To the Point of Shatter

9. Abby

        For some inexplicable reason I am nervous about seeing Aiden in Dr Hisch's pseudo-office. I am feeling better than I have in weeks. My appetite, though not impressive, is much improved. Things actually have some taste. I have been able to talk about how I feel. I have cried many tears, but is has been a cleansing, not a drowning. There is the possibility of getting back to myself and this is more than I ever dared hope for. I take my meds and will keep taking them when I get home. I do not want to be down that dark well ever again.

        But I am not the old me. In fact, I have started to come to terms with the fact that who I was before everything went so wrong may never be who I am again. I have been through too much darkness to come out unscathed. I am forever changed.

        Maybe, though, just maybe I can try to make the scars left behind kind of beautiful.

        I'm still nervous. Aiden last saw me a week ago as a complete basket case. He walked in seconds before I intended to blow my brains out. He is scarred, too. And I have to forgive myself for the fact that I have done that to him. The last man in the world I ever wanted to hurt, and look at what I've done.

        It will take time for us to come to terms with how much we have both been forced to adapt. I believe we can do it and come out even stronger on the other side.

        He is wearing an indigo polo and jeans when I enter Hirsch's office. He looks so good my knees actually go weak.

        "Abby," he sighs with such emotion my heart swells. He rises, hugs me so hard I come off of my feet. "I have missed you so much!" I hug him back and when we part he keeps a solid hold of my hand. We sit in two plastic chairs across the metal desk where my psychiatrist is seated. He gives us a genuine smile. I feel Aiden's eyes on me, his thumb unconsciously rubbing my knuckles.

        "I wanted to speak to both of you before Abby leaves us today so you both know what to expect." He goes on to explain to us my new meds, my therapy schedule. He gives Aiden his card with his personal cell number to call any time.

        "Is there anything you want to talk with your husband about while we're all here?" he finishes. I swallow, look directly into Aiden's bluest eyes made even more stunning by the contrast of his dark hair.

        "I'm sorry. I am so very sorry for what I did and for you finding me like that. I can't know what that was like for you and I want you to know I'm alright. I'm going to be alright." His face crumples a little, near tears. There are a million other things that need said. But this is the one thing I know he needs to hear to put his fears to rest. He nods, putting his other hand over the one he holds.

        "Okay. Then so I am." He gets up, not caring that Dr Hirsch is here, lowers himself to his knees in front of me and buries his face in my lap. By the quaking of his shoulders, I know he is weeping quietly. I bend over him, resting my forehead on his back. There is such desperate love here. It is of the forever sort.

        

        Ava barrels at me when we get out of the car at home. I catch her and hold her breathlessly tight.

        "Where WERE you?!" she demands, even though she is widely grinning. I kiss her all over her face.

        "I went to a place to get better."

        "Are you? Better?" she asks soberly. I smile widely.

        "Yes! Yes, I am!" I carry her onto the porch where Chloe is standing. I put Ava on her feet and embrace my friend.