To the Point of Shatter

12. Aiden

        I am pretty sure I will never sleep again. I have been holed up in this hotel for two days and have had virtually no sleep. Guilt will do that to a person.

        The morning I left our home I did so under much duress. It went against every molecule of my soul to leave her alone after I destroyed her world with five words. I was terrified that she would backslide, become depressed, harm herself. I am, instead, humbled by her strength.

        I loathe myself.

        I look around my room- it's a nice room for a hotel. It is not home. It's the night before Christmas Eve. I should be with my wife and daughter eating the cookies they make, watching Rudolph, keep the fireplace stoked. Instead, I am here. Alone. I have earned every achingly lonely moment I'm having.

        After taking a cab home with Chloe, I haven't seen or spoken to her. She does not know where to find me. I have not answered a single one of her dozens of texts or calls.

        In the hospital, after Abby bolted, I was released and sought her out. She was sleepy but contrite. She'd had the nerve to apologize. And that's when she told me she hadn't actually called Abby after all. She had left that message on her own home phone. She'd been bluffing.

        I stared at her in utter disbelief. I bloomed with rage. And I swear to God, however brief the moment, I contemplated strangling her with my bare hands.

        "Well, it's done," I told her darkly. "She knows everything." Her expression was sincerely stunned. She didn't think I'd do it.

        "Aiden, I-" I shut her up with a look. She and I were released and though I desperately wanted to leave her behind, I let her share my cab home because she had brought no cash or cards with her to the party. We parted in the street.

        "I'm sure it will all work out," she told me, touching my arm. I yanked it out of her reach.

        "Are you, Chloe? For whom? WHO did any of this benefit?" I spat, turned and left her standing there. I hated her.

        Since I have been at the hotel, she's called about every two hours with a lull between one and six am. I couldn't figure out how to block her so I just kept silencing the ring. All. Day. Long. I can't just turn off the phone in case Abby needs me. I did listen to the first few messages from her. They were full of apology and regret. Lots of things about how much she loves me and would never have purposely done anything to hurt me. That she had just wanted to get my ATTENTION.

        Well, it backfired. The only person that has my full attention right now is Abby. True to my word, I did not call her today. I would wait for her to call me tomorrow. I ache for her, to see her, touch her. But I realize I may have lost any chance to do that again for the rest of my life.

        I have made such a mess of things. I have no idea how to even start cleaning it up. But I know this: I will never stop trying to make things right with Abby. I made a huge mistake, I will take full responsibility. I will do whatever she needs me to do so that she comes out of this okay. Yes, even if that means staying away. I hope to God that's not what she ultimately asks of me. I will grovel at her feet until I am old, but moving forward in life without her being a part of it may actually kill me.

        I am on the fourth beer of a six pack. I brought it to my room before I ordered room service. Half ot the club sandwich sat on the small table untouched. It's eleven at night. I hope Abby and Ava are alright, sleeping well in spite of all that's happened. All I have done. I would give anything to be there to read Ava "one more story". To spoon with Abby and smell her hair, feel her back snugly against my chest. What if the last time I did that was the LAST TIME? I am so ashamed. Things had been going so well. Abby was so much better. And to do this to the woman I love more than my next breath, out of pure arrogance and greed, is unforgivable. Even if Abby can get past it, I know I will never forgive myself.