The Child Zoo

Chapter 17

Four days. My delivery date is in four days, and I couldn't be more terrified. It's a mix of fear, anxiety, anticipation, and dread. There is a sense of calmness in the storm knowing I finally won't be pregnant anymore, but that calmness is quickly shoved away knowing instead of a pregnant stomach there will be a baby. A living, breathing, human being that will be my responsibility. I will have a child. I'm going to be someone's mother. The thought is too surreal to process. How am I to raise a child when I still am one myself? 

The feeling of Angelica's hand on my back pulls me back from my inner thoughts.

"You ok?" she asks giving me a concerned look, aware of my very near date.

"I don't know, to be honest, I guess the real question is will I be okay. It's— it's like I'm stranded in a dark sea of emotions and I'm just trying to figure out which wave to ride to get back to shore." I give her a small, genuine smile. I thought I would be more depressed than I am now, but now that the date is so close I'm not sad, just scared. Knowing that I could go into labor at any minute is beyond nerve-wracking. It's like watching the engine blow on a plane and waiting for the moment it comes crashing down... except the wreckage is a baby.

"It'll be ok, you'll be a great mother." Her words cause me to quite violently cringe and her face instantly turns to regret. The issue isn't so much the baby, but the fact that the baby belongs to me. And him. I push the thought away as quickly as it popped into my mind. I don't want the baby to be a constant reminder of him, I just want it to be a baby— my baby.

"It's okay, the baby isn't going anywhere and I am the mother. I just hope I'll be a good one." The thought has been nagging me the past few weeks; the last thing I want to do is ruin a child by being a terrible parent. As if hearing me, the familiar feeling of a push from the inside of my stomach makes itself known.

The first time the baby kicked I nearly had a panic attack on the spot, unsure of what was happening to me. Once I voiced my concerns to Amanda who checks on me almost every day, she assured me that nothing was wrong. She held her hand to my stomach and smiled once she felt it, explaining to me that the baby was kicking. The kicks that come every now and then remind me of the life that I will soon see. Sometimes I'll trace my finger in a circular motion on my stomach and wait for the baby to tap back. It's an amusing and frightening game.

"Looks guys it's kicking now" both Taylor and Angelica instinctively put their hands onto my stomach feeling the fluttering against their palms. Their faces turn mirthful and their eyes sparkle with joy as they become entranced with the tiny movements. It's even more hypnotical to feel when the movement is coming from inside of you.

Looking up into each other's eyes Taylor and Angelica give each other gooey eyes and I know that's my cue to leave. "Blech PDA I'm getting out of here" I struggle to get off of the ground arching my back to try to balance my feet. Immediately Taylor and Angelica spring up reaching down to help me up, each taking one of my hands.

"Where are you going?" Taylor asks me looking a bit worried. "Somewhere so you guys can have some privacy," I say raising my eyebrows at her. She gives me a sheepish look before asking me if I'm alright to be alone. I tell her that I'll be fine and not to worry, I'm a big girl.

Doing the waddle that is signature of most pregnant women I make my way through the zoo, not going anywhere in particular just walking. Humming a tune under my breath I close my eyes and breath in deeply, searching for peace within my body. My quest for calm is interrupted when I feel eyes on me. Opening my eyes I look ahead to be met with a tall blonde woman looking at me with wide eyes.

Looking at her back I give her a look that is meant to say 'do you need something?'.  Slightly extending her hand out to me she looks down at my stomach and then up at me.