It just felt like I was running. Every time dad shows up. I can’t do anything. I think that’s the most frustrating thing about this kind of situation. It was one particular night that things actually changed. My dad had been there all week, and it was Thursday. My arms bruised and my face sore, it was like my soul was expressing itself without my consent. I sat on my bed staring at the wall, my back slumped and my eyes puffy. I hadn’t showered in a while and I didn’t care. My black hair clumped together and my shirt hung loosely on my body. There was a small mirror hanging on the opposite side of my messy room and it stared at me almost as sharply as my dad does. The spot burned in my eyes but I didn’t want to look. So I just sat there, thinking about absolutely nothing. The comfortable welcoming sort of void that I’d gotten so used to making in my head. Just nothing. My ears were tuned to the silence of my room and my eyes to the darkness. I could hear everything in the house. My dad had gotten home a few minutes earlier and my mom was speaking to him softly. She always spoke to him softly. I didn’t hear a response and I could almost picture him walking past her with the crooked, sharp expression that he always wore. His stomping as he walked up the stairs made me angry. When wasn’t I angry? I constantly held an underlying heartbeat of anger that spiked the closer Dad got to me. It never hit the surface though. Only once, and Dad had “taught me a lesson”. My dad opened my door and gave me the routine frown that told me I was a disappointment, that the way things were was my fault.
“Well?” He said, his bottom lip quivering as he spoke. It was either alcohol or anger. “Don’t look at me like that!” His shaking voice made my ears ring. I sat there and stared at him, helpless as always. That heartbeat of anger started ringing in my ears and I wanted to say something but I knew I wouldn’t. He stomped to me as if pushed by an invisible force. He grabbed the hair on the side of my head.
“Well?”
I think it was around one in the morning. I’d snuck out of my house still aching. I never did this but tonight was different. My insides felt like they were being sucked into a black hole. My hands shook and the cold couldn’t break through my emotions. The only sound was my rubber soles scraping against the cement. The silence of night time was better than anything. Nobody was up, nobody cared, nobody hurt me. I was walking aimlessly at first, but whenever I do that I end up walking somewhere. I found myself at my cousins porch, staring up at the street light.
“Noah!” I almost tripped and fell down I was so surprised. My cousin Gabe walked out from the gate to the side of their house.
“What the heck. What are you doing here.” I whispered. I couldn’t think of how to explain that I was wandering in the middle of the night and ended up in front of his house. That would be really weird.
“You look like you wanna come too.” He half-smiled.
“Where are you going?” I asked
“I told you earlier remember?” I didn’t remember. “Evan and I were going to hike up to the mines tonight.”
“Really? Right now?”
“Well I have flashlights and my parents are out of town.. So yeah.” He whispered. “Here.” He handed me a flashlight and a jacket. “Here I have an extra.”
“Thanks,” I hesitated “I can come?”
“Dude I already invited you. Let’s go.”
I had struggled with the nylon jacket until it wrapped around me more or less. I was warm anyway from hiking up the hill. We arrived at the small entrance to the mines that was concealed to everyone else by a grove of trees that nested in a groove on the hill. Gabe wrestled off his pack as soon as he saw Evan waiting by the entrance. Evan asked what took us so long and Gabe gave him some crap explanation. Gabe started shoving our pack through the knee-height hole. This place scared me. I’d been once, but I hadn’t gone that far into the hole and that was during the day. His feet finally disappeared through the hole and I heard his muffled voice tell me to hurry up. By the time I had fought off my claustrophobia I was already through the small part. The hole opened up to where you could stand up straight. The cool air brushed past me and ruffled my hair. It smelled fresh and earthy. We walked into the cave not speaking. I could only hear the sounds of the sand crushing beneath our feet. Gabe broke the silence.
“Noah, you look cold bro.”
