“‘All talk and no action.’ So original.” I sat against the plush couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table.
“Seriously.” She smiled. She had been showing me this political speaker guy. I don’t know why she was into this stuff. It was stupid. It seemed like such a waste of time, but I didn’t want to be rude. “Hey I’ll be right back.” I said, touching her arm as I got up. I walked to her fancy bathroom. So rich. I leaned down towards the perfect porcelain sink and turned the water on. I cupped my hands and sucked some water into my mouth. I swished it and then spat it out. It came out jet black. I had to do this constantly because the stuff made me feel sick and I hated swallowing it. I rinsed my mouth one more time and then washed the black down the drain. I used one of her perfectly folded maroon towels to dry my mouth. I walked back out. She turned and glanced at me as I sat back down. Her eyes were a bright blue and regarded me so lovingly. It almost made me feel guilty.
“Noah.” She said softly, scooting closer to me where I sat. I felt her heart quicken, her stomach tighten. I could feel everything now. She was nervous.
“Yeah?” I said back, appreciating her stark blue eyes.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah?” Girls.
“Ever since we started dating I felt like something was off,” As she spoke my heart quickened and I felt a pang of guilt. I had covered up perfectly, hadn’t I? “I just don’t feel,” Her voice broke off.
“ What? What it is?” I asked, I shoved concern into my voice--she was just being insecure--no worries. We had only started dating last week. I had only given her small pecks and she was already this involved. Stupid. I thought. She sighed.
“I feel like I’m not enough for you. Look at me Noah. Look at you!” I turned the television off and leaned back towards her. I couldn’t help but feel guilty. It wasn’t my fault, I can’t force myself to care, but that didn’t make it any less rude.
“I have been looking at you,” I smiled a kind, comforting smile. I felt her stomach loosen, and chemicals exploded through her system. She was a mild schizophrenic, I could tell. I could hear the buzz of her brain, how it flipped at any dopamine. Like right now. I leaned forward and pecked her on the lips. Only pecks. More chemicals, more buzz. “You’ll always be enough.” The words made me sick even as I said them. She smiled and looked down.
“Kiss me.” She whispered, looking into my eyes. Great. She gazed at me expectantly. She locked her arms around her neck. Gamma amino something--I could have just left her, but I didn’t. I’m not a good person. I kissed her.
I left her house 5 minutes later. She fell asleep when her immune system went into shock. I dropped the backpack I was holding into the trunk of my indiscreet Honda. Thirty thousand was probably a record for me. Not to mention their daughter. I pulled out of their long driveway and fixed my black hair with my fingers. I could have saved her. I thought. I still can… I coughed, spattering the steering wheel with black liquid. This wasn’t something you just toss around. I couldn’t save everyone I pitied, besides, she was depressed. She attempted suicide two weeks ago. Maybe I had given her an easy way out. I rolled down the window and spit into the wind, watching the evening road pass by me. The large, rural landscape rolled past. The Images kept coming back to me; pale faces and a hint of black on their lips. I can’t feel okay about this, but somehow I did. Somehow I saw my dad’s face in every dying body. Sometimes I wished I were sick. Why did I have the right to make it out alive, maybe even better than alive? Life isn’t fair, right? I instantly pictured my Dad saying that. Anxiety exploded in my head and tried to throw my car off the road. No wonder there wasn’t that many of us. I gripped the wheel tighter. Wouldn’t want to go off the edge now would we.
