Ode to my Disorder

The Hardest Fight is in Your Own Head

Have you ever had to fight your own brain before?

It doesn't feel great 

This is how the fight always starts:

I wonder what my next meal will be? 

I wonder when my next meal will be? 

I wonder how many calories it'll have? 

How much do I workout now so I can have that yogurt later? 

How many low-calorie options are on that restaurant menu? 

And then this is how the fight progresses:

I guess I'm hungry 

Hmm 

Hungry 

Food 

Foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood- 

But I can't eat now, it hasn't been ten hours 

I can't eat now, I haven't walked three miles 

I can't eat now, my belt loop isn't on the fourth notch 

I can't eat now, I just feel nauseous, not dizzy 

I'm just shaking, not fainting 

Maybe when I'm in the hospital I'll eat 

Maybe in a month 

Maybe when I'm with my family 

Maybe if life can offer me something better than the promises my broken brain gives me. 

The lies my broken brain gives me.