.05% | lty

45. Loss

"You should sit down, noona." Da Reum took off the sheet covering the old sofa and guided her to it.

She plopped down and rubbed her forehead, hoping to ease the ache. She felt like all her energy had been completely drained. It was a chore to even keep her head up. She didn't talk at all during the five hour drive. Instead she cried, then anxiously chewed her nails, then slept and woke minutes later to cry again.

"I'm surprised you remembered how to get to this place." She could feel the swelling in her face from crying as she looked around the familiar room. "It feels like such a long time since the last time we were here." Distant memories flashed across her mind of her and Da Reum, so small and so happy here together in their family home in Busan, owned by their grandparents on their mother's side who passed away when she was little and left it to her mother. They had lived here happily until their parents had passed away. She felt somewhat comforted by the familiarity, but it still stacked painful memories on top of her already crushed spirit.

"I'll get your room ready so you can rest for now. We can talk later."

"You knew." She said when he turned to leave, stopping him in his tracks. "How? When?"

"Noona..." he paused to figure out how to explain.

"He told you everything." She said in a tone somewhere between a statement and a question.

"He didn't."

"Then what is this?!" Her hands shook as she pulled the heavy metal from the pocket of Da Reum's jacket that she still covered herself with. She held the gun with her thumb and index finger away from herself as if she could catch some disease from it.

"That was just in case." He answered, gently taking it from her and setting it on the table.

"Just in case..." she repeated. "So...he knew this would happen."

"I think he wasn't sure of what would happen, so he wanted us to be prepared. We talked a little before we left and the hyungs gave me some instructions on the way there. He asked me to get you out safely no matter what was happening. That's why they gave me that too." He pointed to gun on the table, it's menacing gleam shone off the silver surface. "And the car keys before we went inside."

"Wanted us to be prepared?" She asked incredulously. "I wasn't prepared. He didn't tell me anything!" She shouted. "I feel so stupid." She bit her lip and turned to look out the window.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while they each tried wrap their heads around the situation.

"Do you..." her voice came out as nearly a whisper. "Do you think that shot was really for him?" Her lip quivered and she looked to Da Reum with wide, expectant eyes that pleaded with him to give her some hope.

He recalled the brutality of the men that swarmed on them the second Yuna and Soo Man had left the room at the party. How Taeyong had already almost lost his life once before they returned, when one of the men put a gun to his head and another had to push him out of the room before he pulled the trigger. During all that had happened, the one thing that he could say for certain is that they wanted Taeyong dead.

His lack of an answer was answer enough for her. She pressed her palms to her eyelids as if it would stop the tears from coming out.

He sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulder.

"I'm sorry." He said softly. She laid her head on his shoulder and tried to muffle the sound of her cries.

"Noona...what you said before we got in the car..."

The recollection of her admission brought all her other worries swarming back. She sniffled a bit, wiped her eyes and sat up, not quite ready to face them.

"I found out the first time I met with the doctor that I'm pregnant." She said quietly.

"That was a while ago...god, noona we all thought you were really sick." He said, thinking back on her recent condition. "Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

"I wanted to, but then Taeyong said that he wanted to separate from the family and there were a lot things to prepare for. It didn't seem like the right time. I...I wanted to tell him today. I had planned on telling him as soon as we left the party."

The gravity of the situation pressed down on her full force as her plans flashed through her mind; how she would tell him, how he would react, how she had pictured him holding their beautiful child and the three of them together and happy.

But it was gone; That second chance they had and all of their plans had floated away just as the resonating sound of that gunshot had. It still echoed in her head, as their missed opportunity did. Her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath.

Da Reum put his arm around her again and lightly squeezed her shoulder in reassurance.

"It's ok. You'll be ok and I'll help you any way I can." He patted her back. "I know this is going to be hard, but you have to take care of yourself. For your baby. That's what Taeyong would have wanted."

The finality of his words hit her hard. Hearing his name in past tense made her sick to her stomach. She would never wonder about their future again. Instead she would be frozen in time, always thinking about what Taeyong would have wanted, what he would have said or done. What it would be like if he was still here. Her entire being rejected the thought and struggled to grasp the reality of it.

"I think I need to go lay down." She said suddenly, pushing herself away from Da Reum. She felt as though her ability to hold herself together was rapidly failing and needed to be alone.

"Let me get your room ready."

"I'll do it." She quickly stopped him. "It's ok. I can do it." She patted his head and forced a smile. "Thank you. With everything that's happened, I am happy you are safe at least" she said before she left the room.

She slowly opened the door knob and went into the nostalgic space. The furniture had been covered just like the rest of the house, but the warm color of her walls that were dotted with pictures and things made her feel as though she was wrapped in a warm blanket.

She went around and pulled the cover off of her bed and dresser, sneezing from the dust. She sat on her bed and shut her eyes before taking a deep breath. Her head ached relentlessly and she felt a disconnect from her body, as if she were operating on autopilot.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the vanity mirror across from her. Her hair was disheveled and she almost didn't recognize the pink, puffy face staring back at her. Even her own miserable reflection was just another reminder of her predestined fate of instability, dread and loss.

Unable to face the image any longer, she layed down and turned away, curling into herself with her arms wrapped around her middle.

"You haven't even been born yet, but I've already cursed you with the same fate." Her body shook with silent sobs. "I'm so sorry." She whispered.