Dear, You?

05-04-2019

      Dear, You?
I know, some might be disappointed that I am not going to open up with "May the 4 be with you", but to be honest I don't like Star Wars, and probably never will. They remind me to much of my asshole dad. Who has finally given up on trying to get me back.
     I think that's a good thing..? I mean don't get me wrong my mother and her boyfriend are all I need in life. They are always by my side and they try to understand my trust issues, depression, and anxiety to the best of there abilities. That by itself is better then my dad. But it's shitty not having a dad. Like unless I bend over backwards and try my best to create or in his words "restore" the broken relationship I won't have one with my father.
     I think I am okay with that too, but it just bothers me because I personally am very excited for the day I get married and I used to always look forward to my father walking me down the aisle. But who is going to give me up to my lover now?
     But right now I don't need to worry about that, and I must remember that. But what I should worry about is my friend (..?). He is such an amazing gentleman, but yet such an amazing asshole.
     So when it's just us it's like I am his word, his everything! But as soon as we step in front of someone I am nothing. Just a human who is wasting oxygen each breath I take in and producing carbon dioxide as I breath out.
But yet despite all my issues with love and trust I feel head over heels for them. Like in love, but they didn't know, not until after the game we played.
We played this game were we kissed. It wasn't really even a game anymore, it was just physical contact. That he admitted to only using me when he was sad or truly needed the physical contact. But one day, tears running down my face I told him.
I told him how I felt used. How I felt like he treated me like shit. The desire to have him, the craving for they physical contact all of the time. The first thing he said? I am sorry it was me.
At that point I just threw my arms around him, we were both very shook. After all he just cheated on his girlfriend -who she is all he talks about- with me. Then he said, we already heave to many secrets so I won't tell anyone. In that moment I felt a sense of relief.
And that brief moment of relief, I sure as hell enjoyed. I felt at ease just for a few seconds knowing he didn't think of me any different and that he wasn't going to tell anyone.
But just as fast as the weight got off my chest more got piled on. I felt bad for telling him, putting him shitty position. Feeling like I was weak and I should have held out and not told him a damn thing until my emotions subsided and I could make rational decisions about him and my past or lower emotions towards him.
So here I am, a person in love with there "friend with benefits" and I have to painfully watch them get taken away from me by some other girl.
Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for him. But I wish he could be happy with me. So yet again here I am letting my self hate consume me, by thinking 'lose a few pounds, maybe then he will love me' or 'god you're so fucking ugly how could you expect anyone to love you, let alone him?'.
So at this point I just sleep. So I can stop thinking about him. About his lips, his warmth, his way of words and how he has more control over my emotions then I do and that I hate, and always will. But what can I say? What can I do? Nothing. Except put my defensive walls up higher and to wait out this emotional pain and wait for the flood of tears to stop drifting me further down a worse path for myself.
To say the least I will be waiting for better days,
Love,
Emory Voncaco