Dear, You?

05-05-2019

      So last night was interesting. I feel asleep feeling very sick only to wake up with a burst of energy at 3 in the morning. So I did what any normal teen would, rolled over to grab my phone and see if any of my friends were awake. Shockingly enough my friend Zev (of course that's not his real name but I must keep this private) was awake. So we messaged for a bit before he ended up calling me.
      So I told him a fact about me, and that fact was that I had a friend with benefits before. He basically was like cool so did I. So we talked until like 4:30 in the morning about some random shit I don't really remember. All I do remember is we low key we're hitting on each other before all the sudden he started typing.
       He started talking about how he feels like even if he loved someone how he would never let them close because he doesn't wanna be hurt and left again. So to be honest I understand this pain, all to well so I tried to talk some sense into him saying I understand and that he needs to be able to comprehend that he does indeed deserve love and affection.
      But around 5 he ended up saying I am sorry I gotta go this is bring up to much old emotions for me. So I decided not to be an annoying asshole so I let him get some sleep.
      But of course around 6 in the damn morning I feel back asleep only to wake up once more around 9, and which I had a dream but didn't remember until like 10 what it was.
      So first thing I remember form this hellish dream is that I started dating someone who under the circumstances was completely inappropriate and insane of me to do. But then my older step brother had a few friends in town who only came to visit once before.
     One of them so happened to be Zev. Who in the dream I think I was dating and cheating on that other man with. But most of the dream has now just become a blur, but I do remember being around Zev my step brother and the other that came into town to visit him and how Zev treated me like a child. Who I later had gotten into the backseat of a car with, and for some reason I felt vulnerable so in my dream I had been naked and I asked him to look at me when he was driving and for some reason, I felt pain like he looked at me with this disappointment on his face. It was strange how the dream ended because it just ended there. It was like, I felt the emotional pain even though it was just a dream.
       I felt the pain of the look on his face. Look he gave me I couldn't comprehend it. The look of anger in his eyes. It was insane and surreal, almost like Zev would've wanted to give me that look in real life. Something later I noticed as I was thinking over the stream was the pain in his eyes, like he had some standards to live up to you and he want to be but I couldn't be there.
      Like he had to pick up to the standards of my friends or them. So since then my mind has tricked me into thinking that, even though it was just a dream. Zev one day will look at me like that. And unfortunately for me, will pick the standards of his friends that society has created and has come to demand.
On a different note, my Gecko, who I have named Bowl wont eat. It's been 14 days since we first got him and we actually won't eat anything.
And back on a different note let's call my friend with benefits Landon, so Landon and I are still very close after all of this drama and shit. Before we were friends with benefits he introduced my to his girlfriend at the time who I now see as a sister too me. So soon enough she will be coming over and I am very happy about that because she understands this emotional pain I have gone through and still am going through. So despite Kadyin (my step brother) breaking up with-let's call her Amelia-Amelia was still there for me, and for all I know always will. I personally am so great full for that because Amelia helps me out so damn much.
     So with this in mind you can sure count on the fact that I will be hoping for better days.
Love,
Emory Voncaco.