Dear, You?

05-13-2019

      Dear you?
      Landon, what did we do?! Landon, we slept together again. Do you love me or her? If you loved her you would not haves kissed me right after you finished sending a message too her. Why would you do that? Knowing that I loved you. You know everything about me. How I have trust issues, depression, and anxiety. Yet you still put me through this!
I had to stop you! I had to tell you about Ava (his current gf)! I had too! That's not my job! You should not even bother anymore.
You say you love her, not me. So this is me revoking you rights to touch me in a sexual way, to kiss my lips, to touch my body, and to have sex with me.
But what's the point in saying you can't, as writing this I have thought about if I should read this too you. So you can hear the anger in my voice and see the pain in my eyes. But what's the point?! Because as soon as I say no more I will just want the pointless physical connection.
So? What should I do? Because I have a few choices. I could just simply ignore your boundaries you set for yourself because if you couldn't follow them before what's stopping you now? I could simply just kiss you for me. For myself. Because I need that, because if I kiss someone I know that they are not disgusted by me. My ugly body. My ugly laughter. My ugly everything.
But I want to see you happy. No hear the pain in your voice when you say "I am such an idiot" because that was on me. If I wasn't at your house saying things like I want to die, then you never would have kissed my cheek. This game would have never happened.
So it was just me, being selfish. I could look to blame you for this. I could look in every direction to blame someone else. But why, when the real person who did the crime is who is see in the mirror.
So I am stuck. In my killing thoughts about things, and I need you to help me walk through this Landon. I need guidance and you are the only person I can go too, unless you want me to tell someone about this, and no way in hell will I. So what can I do? How do I fix this? We both know I need the physical connection because it helps with my anxiety. But who will I get that from? No one I know is willing to do this shit with me.
     But yet we can't keep doing this. So, help me. And tell me how to help you. Our relationship is weird, and will never be normal but I need to get it closer to normal with Ava around. So tell me what to do. Tell me Landon. I want to help. But I need help too. So please help me, and let me help you. Let me fix this. Please.
     Love,
               Emory Voncaco.