Dear, You?

07-08-2019

     Dear you?
     But I want to say, I would make an awful mother. No way around it, but you would make a great father. Kind, caring, good role model. Or it that all going out the window as soon as I am actually pregnant?
     I would love to think 'of course not, no way! He would stick around and help out' but is that true?
     I don't know anymore. Not with Ava around, and you always say "I wish people didn't question my relationship as in if we will still be dating" and I am sitting there like bitch please. I will fucking whoop your ass because I have all rights to question your damn relationship. You. Are. Sleeping. With. Someone. Else. So like fuck off because for our age it's normal for people to think it's not gonna last.
     But none the less you fuck really well. My only wish is like I wanna fuck somewhere cool you know? Like next to train tracks. Or something cool like that.
     Man, call me horny but fuck. That sounds straight up amazing. But I can't fuck you anymore. You make me cry, stay up all night. Worry. I simply can't sleep with you anymore, not just because it effect me, but imagine if Ava found out. So I told you no more. But will I stick to it? I don't really know.
     Because part of me doesn't want to. Part of me wants you pounding into me, but the other part just wants this to be over. Because I don't want to shed one more tear over you. Not. Fucking. One.
     And I huge reason I said no more is because of Mary, my best friend and now my girlfriend. I couldn't attempt to start a real relationship when I was sleeping with Landon so I had to stop.
     But oh boy did I forget about Gabbie! She's one of my older friends and she's a bottom like no matter what. So I made a bunch of sexual promises to her and I simply wanted to because like I am such a top with girls and I need practice. So I made these promises and shit so once she got back from her vacation game on. But little does she know I got a girlfriend before she came back.
     I feel so bad because I went through with all this shit. I want Mary to be my future. I want her in my future. I truly do. But Mary is like a virgin baby all the way. Not even a first kiss man. I want her to be mine so bad. But when you're so used to just whoring around and sleeping with who you want and doing what you want. It makes things hard. I love Mary. But I can't anymore. I can't cheat on her so I gotta figure out what I am doing.
     Because I want her so bad. Yet I wanna sleep with Landon. Yet I still want Landon to love me. Trust me, I know how unrealistic that is but it doesn't change what I want. My heart wants to love Mary more then people think I am able to. But some part of me that I hate with a burning passion but it's there. The part of me that wants Landon, wants Landon to love me more then he loves Ava. Wants Landon to pick me over Ava. I can rationalize the facts. I know that he won't ever love me or pick me over Ava. But a dumbass part of me won't let go. Won't just accept the fact that he used me for sex. It meant nothing more to him.
     But I lie to him saying "it was JUST sex nothing more to me as well" but oh man. It was so much more then sex to me and I think it will always be more then sex to me. I don't want it to be more. I want it to be just sex.
     Why is it more, you may be asking? I don't know. Maybe because he took my virginity, maybe because I loved him. Maybe because I am incapable of separating sex and love because I haven't had JUST sex.
     I've never had a one night stand. I hope that I won't (but let's face the fact I probably will). But I have a very complex relationship with Landon that like can't change anytime soon. Like not lying when I say our relationship is out of my hands. I can't change it. Well that's a lie, I guess I can change it. But I can't destroy it. I can't walk away from him so I can grow as my own person. So I can become who I want to be and be who I want to be. Even if I could I have such a bad habit to so I probably would let him back in and let him destroy all the progress I've made as a person and that I've made mentally and with all my surroundings.
     If I let him back in after I kicked him out he would destroy all that. I would go back to sleeping with him. Simply because I have SUCH a weak spot for him. I wish I could change that. I want to try, but I don't even have the motivation to do that.
     I feel so lost. Please find me in this ocean of people
             Dear,
                        Emory Voncaco.