Spelled

6: There's No Place Like Home

"Rule #74: When escaping into the wilderness, be sure to pack your magical bag with clean undergarments. And bread crumbs."

—Definitive Fairy-Tale Survival Guide, Volume 3: Enchanted Forests
6

There's No Place Like Home

After running to my room, the servant girl dove under my bed and grabbed a wicker basket in the name of packing provisions.
"How do you know about my snacks?" The stash was supposed to be a secret. It was stuffed 'round the clock with my favorite treats—you never knew when you might want some midnight cake.
She stopped her frantic pace a split second to roll her eyes at me. "Just how do you think that basket gets stocked? Magic?" With a disgusted huff, she opened the lid. "Half-full, even though I stocked it this morning. It'll have to do."
The click in my brain was almost audible. Rexi...the kitchen girl. "Weren't you just a frog?"
"Yeah, well, thanks to you and your friends, it's been a busy night." Her point was emphasized by the continued crashing from the ballroom. She sighed and started to leave.
"Where are you going?" I made a move to follow her.
She scoffed audibly and looked me up and down. "You think you can run in that dress? You'd get caught before we made it ten troll's lengths. I'm going to swipe that green wench's Dust Devil."
Last year, Verte had upgraded her old broomstick for the state-of-the-art vacuum. All her friends at Swampy Acres Home for Retired Witches had one.
"You have exactly three minutes to pack whatever you can carry. Then I'm leaving." Rexi shook her head slightly, expression tight. "I'm not going to die so you can stuff a few extra jewels down your corset."
"That would be a dumb place to put..." Rexi couldn't hear me; she was already halfway down the hall—a prime example of why I don't like to hang out with other people.
"Doesn't she know that's what purses are for?" I muttered to myself and grabbed my enchanted handbag. Best accessory ever—the size of a book on the outside with the space of a small storage unit on the inside.
I stood looking around my room for a moment. What should I take? I'd never stayed at a friend's for a sleepover, never been on vacation. I'd only seen the outside world through magic mirrors.
The battle for the ballroom raged on. There was more banging and the sound of things breaking and cracking. At this rate, the whole castle would be glittering rubble in a matter of minutes. A noise came from the closet floor. It was a cross between a growl, a whine, and a purr. At first glance, nobody was there—until I looked down, ankle level, and saw what looked like a mini-lion hiding from the witch—in my wardrobe. I couldn't know for sure what he was trying to say, but I had a decent idea.
"The answer is no. You're not coming with us. Go find your own parents."
The word parents ended with a sharp stab to the chest. I told myself they weren't gone. They were just missing. Missing I could deal with. Missing could be found.
More crashing from downstairs. Closer this time.
"Look," I said, bending down nose-to-muzzle with Kato. "Don't give me those puppy eyes. You are not a dog. I don't know what you are, but if you're not gone by the time I come back, I'll take you to the window and see if those wings are just for show."
Even at the size of a bread box, Kato still had the evil glare down pat.
"Good, glad we understand each other," I said dismissively and took my bag to the closet, shoving everything inside that wasn't nailed down or dry clean only. By the time I turned back around, the doorway was empty.
The floor rumbled beneath my feet.
Rexi ran back into my room, pockets bulging while lugging the heavy red vacuum. "Time to go."
She ran back to the bed to retrieve the food while I inspected the Dust Devil. "Are you sure this can carry the two of us?"
She snorted. "That blasted sorceress weighs more than us both combined." She hefted the basket. "But this thing weighs a ton. How can you keep eating all this and not get fat?"
Some things don't deserve a response.
Stepping onto the vacuum, I settled onto the front. Rexi moved in close behind. I tapped the top like I'd seen Verte do countless times.
Nothing happened. "Where the spell is the owner's manual for this contraption?" I muttered, looking around the red machine.
Footsteps.
Someone was coming up the stairs, and there was a fifty-fifty chance that it wasn't my Emerald Sorceress.
I've never been very lucky.
The Gray Witch rounded the banister. "Did you really think you could run fast enough or far enough to get away?" She was at the doorway now. There was plaster in her hair, and her dress was ripped in several places.
"On...on...where's the Grimm-galled on button?" I panicked.
"Hurry! Figure it out!" my backseat passenger shouted.
"If you thought you could do better, you should've driven."
"I'm going to enjoy this." Griz readied her stormball.
Oh, pix that.
I needed this contraption to work now! When in doubt, push every button in sight and then whack it for good measure. The vacuum began to rise. It also started living up to its name. Sparkling dust swirled around me in a cyclonic pattern. My things blew around the room. One of my boots hit Griz in the side of head, knocking her stormball off course.
The stray ball took out the west wall.
"All right. Exit point established. Now how do you steer this thing?"
Once again, when in doubt...
I hit the yellow button and the cyclone tripled in size. The vacuum pitched forward and took off. Rexi squished against me, pushing the handle deep into my stomach.
I would have liked to see Griz's angry face as we flew away, but everything not nailed down whirled around us and obscured the view.
Rexi's screaming I could hear though. "Slow down!"
And exactly how was I supposed to do that? The blasted vacuum wasn't working right, and the wind was too strong. Dust grit blinded me. I reached to push some more buttons.
Something snapped.
Before, we'd been going so fast that my cheeks felt like they'd been pushed back to my ears. Now my guts were twirling around like a jester's cartwheels inside my body.
Don't hurl. Don't hurl. The Dust Devil clunked and sputtered. Within seconds, the cyclone stopped spinning—in midair. My stomach dropped. We were falling. Don't die. Don't die.
"Do something!" Rexi's nails pierced my shoulders.
With the ground approaching, I said a quick prayer to the Storymakers and ripped off the front plastic panel. The emergency vacuum bag inflated, acting as a parachute. I inhaled a deep lungful of dust, relieved at least that part still worked. Thank Grimm.
When I looked down, I noticed the specks on the ground were getting larger at an alarming rate.
I'd acted too late. We were going to crash.
• • •

I came to lying in mud. I knew all my body parts were attached because all of them hurt.
Groan.
That wasn't me.
"Get off me, you pixing cow!" Rexi's hands pushed at me roughly.
I took my time. And I might have accidentally shoved my elbows in her ribs trying to get up.
Once standing, I surveyed the plastic and metal debris around me. The Dust Devil was grounded—permanently. One of the clanking sounds I'd heard had probably been the wire thingy falling off. With my handbag inside. All my stuff, gone.
The godmother of luck hadn't totally abandoned us though; the food basket lay a few feet away. Grateful, I scrambled over to check the contents, to see what, if anything, had spilled during the flight.
When I opened the basket, I did not see bread, cheesecake, or even my emergency stash of Chocolate Wands with fudge and caramel centers. I saw tufts of fur and a pair of ice-water blue eyes. I was really starting to hate the color blue.
Flipping the basket over, I unceremoniously dumped Kato out on his horny little head. I shook the basket a few times, but only a couple of wrappers fell out.
Stunned, I plopped down in the muck. "You. Ate. Everything."
He burped.
Rexi pulled herself out of the mud with a slurping sound. "I'm gonna kill you!"
Looking like a swamp monster, Rexi chased Kato, trying to beat him to a bloody pulp. After a minute, she gave up and collapsed back to the ground. "Just so you know, when I get hungry, I have no qualms about eating you."
Kato answered by taking care of some business on a golden leaf fig tree.
Yet another item for his list of negatives. "Ugh, so disgusting." I shuddered and looked away.
Wait. Emerald Kingdom got its name from trees with green gems. We didn't have golden ones.
I jumped up, even though every muscle in my battered body protested. My head whipped around frantically while I tried to get my bearings. Not a trace of the springy green meadows of my home. In the predawn hours, the sky brightened with purple and orange. Logos, the first sun, was just about to rise over the mountain range to the east.
We didn't have any mountains.
"Dear Grimm, we're not in Emerald anymore." I started to hyperventilate.
Rexi remained sprawled on her back. She barely opened an eye at my hysterics. "Duh."