Spelled

10: If I Only Had a Head

"Rule #14: For protection, a princess should never carry something as unladylike as a sword. Kitchen utensils are handy in a pinch."

—Definitive Fairy-Tale Survival Guide, Volume 1
10

If I Only Had a Head

My dress plumed out around me, but it did nothing to slow my descent. Rexi and I fell like shrieking stones, still holding hands. Kato spread his wings and caught the wind.
I grabbed his paw and prayed to the Storymakers for a miracle. In answer to my prayer, we hovered for a moment. Then we sank again. Kato's wings weren't strong enough to support all of our weight.
I let go of him.
Spinning wildly, turning end over end, the force ripped Rexi and I apart.
In my somersaults, I caught glimpses of the earth below. It was blue. My last thoughts before I hit were, Hooray, water is better than jagged rocks, and then, I don't know how to swim.
The air whooshed out of my lungs as I performed a spectacular belly flop. Momentarily stunned, my head became submerged. When my body decided to obey my brain's commands again, it was too late. The weight of my dress pulled me down as effectively as any anchor.
The water was cold, and my fingers started to freeze up. I struggled with the pearl buttons at my back. If I could only get this Grimm-forsaken dress off.
My chest burned. The desire to take a breath was nearly overwhelming. As my vision closed in, something hit the water with a big splash. Probably a stormball. Maybe it would get me before I drowned.
Just when I thought I would give in to the urge to inhale, something pushed me to the surface. I started breathing a half beat before my mouth met air. Coughing the water back out of my lungs, I noticed that my hacking echoed. It looked like I had emerged under a shelf in a canyon's wall.
Starting to sink again, I flailed around in the water for something to grab. My hand hit horn behind me. I grabbed it and turned in the water to see what I hoped was my rescuer. It was Kato. He hadn't flown off and left me. I wondered if his cannonball dive was the result of a failed attempt at flight or if it had been intentional when my head hadn't resurfaced. Didn't matter. On my mental score sheet, I had to add a plus column.
Rule of favor or not, I owed him my life.
Lightning cracked through the sky, electrifying the very air. Thunder boomed as evidence of Griz's temper tantrum. Out of sight, she screamed in rage from above. "Do yourself a favor and drown, little princess. Because that will be a much kinder fate than what you'll get the next time I find you."
A light spot in the dark water caught my eye. It was Rexi's blond head. She looked totally different with her hair plastered to her head instead of sticking straight up. "Let's not do that again, okay?" she said, panting and swimming toward us.
"Sounds like a plan." I grabbed her green sleeve and helped pull her to us. Each of us hanging on to one of Kato's horns, we floated down the river and kept ourselves hidden under the cliff's rocky shelf. An hour of floating later, both Griz and our hiding place were gone. The high canyon walls ended abruptly, the depth turning shallow as we floated up to a beach.
I desperately wanted to get out of the water. My skin was beginning to resemble the withered figs. Clawing through the sand, I hauled myself onto the beach. Blessed land. I closed my eyes and savored the feel of the fine grains beneath my hands. "Thank Grimm."
When I opened them again, a pair of sightless, milky-white eyes held captive in a wrinkly and decapitated head stared back at me.
"Excuse me," the head said. "Could you give me a hand? I seem to have lost mine."
Shrieking, I scrambled back into the water—away from the grotesque head—treading over Rexi and dunking her underwater in the process.
"What is with you?" she sputtered.
I raised a shaky hand and pointed. "It talked. How can it be talking? It's a dead head."
Rexi shoved me off her. "Obviously not too dead if it's talking."
Minor details. I turned away and froggy-paddled down the shallow part a bit. "I think I'll float a little farther downstream and find another head-free beach."
"Helloooo? A little help if you please?" the head cried plaintively.
Against my better judgment, I looked back. While I was freaking out, Kato had jumped out of the water and gone to play on the beach. He was batting the head back and forth between his two massive paws.
Rexi shrugged. "At least he's not trying to eat it."
"I'm getting quite dizzy," the head complained, the milky eyes rolling around, probably not on purpose.
With the poutiest lips, I gave Rexi a pleading look. No effect. I switched to what I hoped was a steely yet regal glare.
She shook her head. "Sorry, but I don't work for you anymore. Your High and Mightiness will just have to clean up after her own pet this time."
"But I really, really don't want to." While claiming ownership of him earlier, this was not what I had had in mind.
Though I'd gained fifty pounds in the form of my waterlogged dress, I reluctantly slogged up the beach again. Grimacing, I picked up the head by its scraggly, sand lice–infested gray hair.
"Um, is there someplace in particular you'd like me to put you, Ms. Head?" I wrinkled my nose and held it out as far as my arm would stretch.
"Call me Hydra. If you would be a dear, my cottage is just up the beach a bit." Her milky eyes still rattled around the sockets a bit.
My whole outlook perked up at the thought of a place to rest. It helped me combat the ick factor by dreaming of hot tea and getting dry in Hydra's nice, warm cottage.
Turns out "cottage" was a bit of a euphemism. Shack probably would have been a wee bit closer to the truth. There was a small stovepipe coming out of the roof. Most roofs are similar in shape to a witch's hat—this one looked a bit more like a bowl because the point was sagging down in the middle. There were windows on either side of the building with shutters hanging mostly off—attached by a single piece of gum. The door looked like it had been carved directly out of the tree, and it was open.
A frumpy headless body in a housecoat ambled out, whacking into the door on its way.
"Holy hex!" Rexi splashed back into the water. "I'm just gonna stay way over here, if that's all right with you." She looked at the body and shuddered. "And if it's not, I'm still gonna stay over here."
"Coward!" I shouted, secretly desperate to do the exact same thing.
"Better than being zombie takeout."
Kato used one of his wings and herded the body in our direction.
"There you are. Poor dear. Did those mean doggies hurt you?" Hydra consoled her hunchbacked body as it wandered blindly toward us.
The body hefted the Hydra head onto its shoulders. Nothing magically knit the two back together, and I couldn't see a zipper or anything. There was only a slurpy sucking noise, and if you asked me, the head still looked wobbly at best.
"That's just wrong," Rexi called from the water.
Yeah, I didn't need the observation, thank you—I had the full, creepy view up close. I threw Rexi a weary look. "If you're not going to help, you're not allowed to comment."
Though part of me hoped she'd come up just so she could keep making snappy quips, Rexi held up her hands and mimed sealing her lips.
Hydra finished checking over her newly found extremities and wandered farther up the path.
I followed at a safe distance, in case the head lost its balance or something. Polite conversation tamped down my urge to run away, screaming. "I heard you say something about dogs. Did they do...um"—how to say this delicately?—"did they knock your head off?"
"Heavens no. What a silly idea." Hydra rooted around in a weed-infested garden. She pulled some bloodroot from the ground and ambled back in my general direction, using a broken garden hoe like a walking stick. "It was a witch who played croquet with my head. The dogs just rolled me down to the beach."
"Did you happen to see what direction they went?" I hoped the answer was, Way the spell away from here.
"Well, obviously I didn't see anything." Hydra pointed to her sightless eyes. "But if you'll come with me I can ask the others."
"Others?"
She gestured me over. "Up at the house. Be a dear and guide me." Her nails were long overdue for a manicure. They were yellow and gnarled, and they bit into my arm as I led her up the wilted garden path.
Kato gave the area a thorough search. Probably hungry again. When he approached the garden, he looked back at me like he was asking for permission—guess he'd learned his lesson with the Bumpkins. I shook my head, since I recognized a few of the plants from Verte's garden—the cursed and poisonous section.
He gave a last mopey look at the plants and trotted to keep pace with me. I ruffled the fur between Kato's horns to reward his obedience. For a moment, he seemed to enjoy it; then he smacked my hand away with his tail. I suppose he'd decided he was too noble for head scratches—good thing I hadn't tried to rub his tummy. My stinging hand served as an excellent reminder that underneath the soft, comforting fur still lurked the Kato that liked to knock me down a peg.
Taking off at a gallop, he beat me to the half-hanging cottage door and ambled in—then nearly knocked me over backing out.
"Big baby."
Even though Kato might be a prince, he'd started off grubby enough that he didn't have much room to judge Hydra's housekeeping. And surely it couldn't be that messy in there. While he was being hypocritical, I was quite proud of myself for being so helpful and humble.
As I walked through the door, I gave myself a little pat on the back—and then froze.
I'd been prepared for a hovel. I might have even been okay with a house full of magically trained circus mice. I was not prepared for the others.
Heads lined the floor-to-ceiling shelving. Different sizes, different species—all of them looked lifeless. Some had clearly passed their expiration date. Several looked freshly harvested. One still had a faint flush to its cheeks.
And wouldn't you know, there was an empty spot on the shelf, just the right size for my royal head.
Following Kato's example, I backed up toward the door. "You know what? On second thought, it doesn't really matter which way Griz went. We have to go west anyway. I'll just see myself out."
For a fragile blind lady, her grip was surprisingly strong. "You definitely don't want to be heading west. I can help, and there's so much I have to tell you. I'm afraid I must insist you and your friends stay here."
Spell no.
I squirmed, trying to get free, and cursed myself for not staying on the beach in the first place. This freaky hag made Gretel's gingerbread witch look like a sweet, harmless baker. Probably the only thing Hydra wanted to help me with was removing my head. Well, that wasn't gonna happen. Groping blindly to the side, I grabbed the first thing I could get a handle on.
Ah, frying pans—the preferred weapon of princesses everywhere.
Hefting the pan from the sink, I whacked Hydra's head from her shoulders, sending it flying into a shelf, where it fell to the ground with all the others.
Hydra's gnarly hands instinctively flew to the spot where her head had just been, releasing her grasp on me but snagging the cardigan on my shoulders. I dropped down and out of the jacket. Then, planting my bejeweled heel on her crusty behind, I sent her body to join the heads on the floor. For good measure, I chucked the skillet at her and booked it out the door.
It wasn't until I was outside that I remembered the wishing star had been in my pocket. But nothing could have made me go back in there again. Besides, the stupid thing was busted anyway.
As if to confirm the wisdom in my decision, Hydra's body came ambling out the door again. I bolted.
My companions were waiting for me farther down the beach at the border of the woods.
"Zombie?" Rexi shouted as I ran past.
Close enough.