Figuring You Out

Chapter Twenty- Three

[O; Oliver, R; Red]

R: Hey, I'll meet you in the library at three?

O: Sounds good

I had just been through the most mundane day in the entire world with Fryday's recovery and Pope's exhaustive Year Eight lessons over I make my way to the library where I see him from behind sitting with a large textbook open in front of him. I pause and smile for a moment and slip into the space, shutting the door quietly after a glare from the greying librarian. I slide in beside him and nudged him a little to grab his attention from the book he was fascinated in.

"Hey," I say casually, keeping my tone light as I unzip my bag and retrieving my maths notebook.

"Hey," he replies, after a beat or two, "So photosynthesis," he starts, but then I notice his shaking hands and looked worriedly to him, his voice was broken and scratchy as he tries to croak out some words, then he slides the textbook to me before rushing off without another word.

I'm quick and move after him, abandoning our backpacks and textbooks. I glance each way out of the library door and see him stagger into the nearby bathroom. I burst open the door just as he locks himself in a cubicle. I notice some younger students who look worriedly at me to the closed cubicle door.

"Get out," I direct, to some freaked year sevens, the scurry away and I can focus on the hyperventilating boy in the locked toilet cubicle. I can hear his crying intensifying as I climb around to the cubicle beside him and haul myself up standing on the kicked down toilet seat. I peer over and see him sitting on the toilet seat in what I can only describe as the brace position. There was just enough room for me to jump down without landing on top of him. I twist myself around, hitting my head on the ceiling and then landing successfully inside the cubicle. I place my hands on his knees, and he jolts up his eyes wide with panic, still hyperventilating.

"It's ok, it's just me," I reassure him, shifting a little so I could see his face. He began to lower his head back but I held it up, with three fingers tucked under his chin "Breathe with me," I say, it sounded stupidly romantic but I took some exaggerated breaths. I notice his rising chest, slowing a little realising it was working even though I was bullshitting this completely. He had calmed down after five minutes so I moved to the side of the toilet cubicle knowing I wouldn't be able to resist the urge to kiss him senseless. My back was resting on the back of the cubicle door but kept my hand resting on his knee, from when I was holding it, I squeeze it lightly.

"Hey," I smile.

"Hey," he replies, smiling but rather tiredly, "sorry,"

"What happened?" I ask, as gently as I could.

"I have anxiety, so I kind of freak out for no reason in certain situations," he explains, I nod along, "rather annoying actually,"

"I get it,"

"You're the first person to get it," he says, sitting up more.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he laughs out, I look at him to expand and he just shrugs, "my dad is of the mentality that if it can't be fixed with a cast then it isn't broken,"

"I'm sorry," I say, I don't know quite why I was apologising but seeing this very vulnerable boy sitting in front of me made me want to protect him from everything possible.

"What about you, then?" he asks, I narrow my eyes in confusion.

"Well, I've just told you something I haven't told anyone," I watch him for a moment as he looks at me curiously, my gaze falls to his lips, I don't think I can hide it any more.

My mouth opens and shuts silently, my brain not allowing me to get out the words. I feel his gaze on my frowned face and I subconsciously relax into it.

"I'm gay,"

"Gosh," he says, I nod just to confirm, I can't quite meet him in the eye.

"You're surprised?"

"No," he says, softly, my face scrunches even more, "Do you want me to be?"

"I don't know," I dismiss, he smiles knowingly and kindly at me.

"I really like someone," I say, the words tumbling out of my mouth before I can stop them, my face burns with embarrassment but I can't stuff the words back in my mouth.

"Who?" he asks, smiling, his tone ever sweet.

"You," I confess, biting my lip and looking down still, then I hear him move and realise he's leaving so I stand to let him to the door, as my world crashes down around me, he didn't feel the same and I'm such a fucking fool because how embarrassing is this?

Then he is standing in front of me, so close I can feel his breath on my face, "Took you long enough," he comments, his hands slide around my neck and he leans in.

"I've never kissed anyone before," I whisper quietly, he pauses but his hands remain where they are.

"Do you want to kiss?" he asks, his tone now vulnerable and fragile.

"Yes," I breathe, we meet eyes in a complete silence and this time we both lean in our lips meeting, his fingertips caressing my cheek and I've never felt so sure. Never felt so sure of myself. This is me and for the first time I'm not embarrassed or scared of me, I'm proud and in love with me because standing here in this grubby toilet cubicle kissing a boy who I have completely and utterly fell or is the best feeling in the world.