This Is Fine

Part 1

a/n Hi two people are cowriting this and this is probably the stupidest thing we've ever done. also this shitty meme ^^^^^^ one of us made was the inspiration for this shitty fic

Disclaimer: neither of us have ever been drunk so this is a shot in the dark

Dio Brando was very good at a lot of things.
He had a law degree. He was the star rugby player. He also was very good at fucking up people's lives, dealing in shadier areas, and killing people (and pet dogs). Because Dio was immortal, he was a god.

But somehow, Jonathan Joestar wasn't dead when Dio wanted him to be.

And Dio had a plan to remedy that.

Jojo had surrounded himself with a close circle of mortals. Most, he had not known for very long and were much older than him. But, there was one, one who had even witnessed Dio's ascent to godhood. From what Dio had seen, Jojo and this man were very, very close.

Robert E.O Speedwagon.

If Dio could turn Speedwagon against Jojo, make Speedwagon trust him, Dio could worm his way towards Jojo. Then, killing him would be easy.

And the easiest way to earn Speedwagon's trust?

Seduce him.

Dio rolled up to London at night. He had made sure to wear a wig (disgusting) and wear more mortal-like, unnassuming clothes (double disgusting), and had even put makeup on his face to disguise his handsome features (useless, useless, useless). Dio had taken care to send his minions to do some 'research' into Speedwagon's life. He frequented some of the most run-down bars in London, which made sense, because Dio's minions had also found that Speedwagon was very poor. How he had gotten into Jojo's good graces, Dio would never understand, but mortals were all the same to him.

Speaking of Jojo, Dio's minions had discerned that Jojo and Speedwagon were not in an actual relationship, per se, but they were almost inseperable. That would break Jojo's heart even more when Dio stole Speedwagon.

Dio went to the bar that Speedwagon was a regular at, the Saint James Bar. No mortal questioned Dio's presence (how could they see him as one of them). Speedwagon was sitting at the bar, having a lively discussion with the portly bartender. A seat was open next to him, and Dio made his move.

"I'll have a beer, please," Dio said, sitting down on the seat. The bartender turned around to fulfill Dio's request, and Speedwagon turned towards Dio.

"Nice evening, innit?" Speedwagon slurred. He was obviously deep in the drink, as his face was flushed deep and red. His blond hair (not as good as Dio's, hah!) was an absolute mess and his clothes were disheveled.

"Oh, yes, it's very nice," Dio returned. He winked. "But not as nice as you. What's your name?"

Speedwagon giggled, leaning on the counter with his elbow. "Call me Robert," he said. "I, ah, probably shouldn't be here right now, my friend said he's going to pick me up and I-" He hiccuped, interrupting his sentence.

Dio, the greatest, unfaliable Dio, who survived burning alive, who became more than a god, realized that he had forgotten to make a fake name. "I'm Oid," he replied, before he could stop himself (really, Dio, he thought, an anagram?). "Why not stay, Robert? You seem to be having a good time."

Speedwagon laughed. "Oh, I am," he said. "But my friend gets worried about-" He hiccuped, again, "-me when I drink."

"Ah, he sounds like a wet blanket," Dio dismissed it.