(Girl's)
Dear Diary,
It's been 14 years since I last wrote on you my dear diary. I reread all the entries I wrote before and even though many years had already passed, it can still brought smile to my face. There's - - - Oops I'm back, sorry, my husband just hugged me a minute ago. Well, he's doing his best to be a perfect husband and a father, but... I'll just give him a kudos clap for being the 'best father' for our young son. No one could ever be a perfect husband for me, because there's only one I could think of. That guy from 14 years ago is still the one, even until now that I'm already married. I know I'm being unfair to my husband but he knows in the first place that we only married for convenience. But it's getting hard now especially that he's learning to love me, well, me too I guess ... but it will never match or surpass the intensity of how I feel for that guy from the past.
We met a week ago. We bumped into each other in the grocery and for the first time after 14 years, I felt again the tingles in my stomach I usually feel before... and it was still because of the same guy. His body got matured, taller and broader over the years. Hays, I missed the feeling being close to it. His eyes also became cold now, gone the mixed emotions I was fond of observing before.
We dined in a coffee shop and we're catching up a bit about our life. He's still single up until now. I was happy about it but it will only stay that way. I told him I already have a family but he just smiled lightly, not shocked at all. I didn't want to assume but I was certain I saw a strike of pain in his eyes.
As I looked at him, I realized my love for him didn't change at all. It's still the same. But then again, it will only remain that way. If only I could annul my husband, but I can't because of my son, it will hurt him for sure. Hence, contentment is what I need now to embrace, being just contented of loving him from afar, just like before.
I had this man once in my life. If I let him come back, I'm sure pain will too.
Ps: I walked away earlier, but deep inside I was waiting for him to call and chase me. I might give in. I might take a risk again, but still I thank God he didn't because I don't want to break the family my son looks up.
(Boy's)
Dear Diary,
I played good but destiny played better. I was broken emotionally and mentally, even until now. It's been what, 14 years? But the pain still lingers. It still hunts me and it looks like the past didn't even chase her. She got married. She got married to the guy whom I got jealous with before, the guy who was her rival in every competition. My insecurity heightened the moment I knew, 6 years ago, that she's getting married to him. He's as smart as her, while I wasn't.
My friends even called me crazy for not being able to give myself a chance to date others and move forward. Well I just couldn't ! My love for her was just too much that it always dragged me backwards everytime I tried to hook up with girls. Plus, I always remember my answer before when she asked me what I would do if I could find someone whom I'll love more than her. And hell yeah, I'm stick with my words until now. That only means, my response that time would never bound to happen in this lifetime because she can never be the mother of my future children.
After 14 long years, destiny is starting to play along again. And now I'm hurting to see her happy with her new family. I can give her one, right? Why not me? Why? I can make a bigger and happier family, with her being the mother, but why it can't be me? I had her first then why can't I have her in the end?
I asked her earlier in the coffee shop if there's still a chance for us, even if I knew already to myself that there isn't. A man can hope, right?
She smiled. Oh how I miss that curve... but my attention was then stolen by the big drop of tears running down her cheeks. She's crying and it's killing me inside.
"Why ask that now?"
"Why not 10 years ago? 8 or 6 years ago?"
"Why!?"
I couldn't answer. I was too afraid 10 years ago. I was in doubt 8 years ago. I almost got killed 6 years ago... that's why I wasn't able to stop her wedding. I was broken. I was malfunctioned like a machine. I was lifeless yet breathing.
"You know what, I still love you and yes, there's still a chance for us. Perhaps, in our next lifetime." She said, stood up, and walked away.
And I was left there, trying my best not to cry, but I still bursted. It hurts but I guess I have to accept that I'll be back from just loving her from afar, just like before.
Ps: As she walked away earlier, deep inside I was waiting for her to look back, because if that would happen, I will definitely chase her. I might steal her away from her husband, and I'm pretty sure I can stand being a father to her son. But still, I thank God she didn't because she looks happy now and I don't want to break a family that has already an angel.
T H E E N D.
