Crumbling Cakes

Part XXXII (32) *POV Bonus*

A/N: Soundtrack "Where's My Love" by Syml.

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It was day five since that heavy conversation about my departure. In that time I had wiped the kitchen down to an inch of its life—both work and home. I've packed at least one duffel with items I knew I wouldn't need anytime soon. Took stock of inventory I knew would be needed and I could order in good supply while they looked for my replacement. I've sat in my room, staring at the wall trying to muster up the excitement I used to feel when picturing my future far away from here.

I haven't been able to find that feeling, nor a reason to stay indoors longer when I wasn't working. I made frequent trips around to places I had once haunted. Always aware that the freedom I used to feel in each spot now had a sense of dread attached to it, the eerie sensation like I was being watched. Always watched. I didn't dare visit the misfits in fear that I would expose them too soon, leaving me to grab a simple burner phone with minutes and my number preprogrammed for Tony, so that we could communicate during this hiatus.

When that became too much I would return home. Only to sit in my allotted corner and pretend like everything was fine, just fine. Ignoring my headaches and peeling surface stitches. Because that was better than Sebastian always being gone. Days off he would be out almost right after breakfast and reappear only when I was getting ready for bed.

Each time he looked rumpled, stressed, and worn out. Once upon a time, I'd have forced him through a movie to loosen him up, to free his mind. It wasn't an option when you were the stress weighing that mind down. Each meal was packaged Ramen because it was the only sense of normal I had left. And the thought that my normal had changed so much was just as maddening. Need I remind you that it's only been five days. And those five days were enough to unravel me.

I would have traded my savings for those two hellish weeks all those months ago if it meant I could relive the last several months all over again. I had trapped us in a glass case with a barrier in between and a single exit for both of us, neither facing the same side. Two directions split in different ways.

When Sebastian had told me he wouldn't watch me leave, it turned out it was a literal promise. Our days in the bakery only made me feel worse. He barely reacted to anything or anyone. Mistakes were taken over by him without a single glance or acknowledgment. And I would watch him hammer away fixing it by himself in fervor as if here was something he could put back together and keep that way. All the while a voice deep inside of me shouted this was wrong. All wrong. I chalked it up to a voice of wishes and not reality.

By definition, insanity is repeating the same action with the aims of a different result. And I couldn't help wonder if that's what I was doing. If that wasn't the box my entire life fit into. For the first time in my life, I questioned whether it would not be more prudent to face her head on instead of running away. A thought only possible because of the one person who gave me a chance when so few would. Again, I felt like my debts to him were piling up and one day I would wake up and realize they had reached the height of Everest. My new fear that I would end up trapped in the infamous dead zone trying to get back down to repay it. Trapped due to lack of oxygen and strength.

Bathilda has been this cancer across my timeline and the knowledge that in this age I would never truly be rid of her—only in remission—tired me. No matter where I moved. I was the climber who was mere feet away from the tip of Everest, could feel the victory right at my fingers, but the next step would be the weighing factor on whether I would live or die.

Freedom was that tip. Hope was that last step. And history was that waning strength that determined my return.

So on day five, when I couldn't stand the noise of my own thoughts and realizations, I marched down to Sebastian's office. Flying through his door as if any minute it would come crashing down on me, blocking my entrance.