Selected: Part 2 - Flowers with Thorns

19. THE NUMBER

IT WAS AUGUST, AND I felt as though time was running out. Ethan would be announcing the Elite this week, and thus four of us would be going home all at once. I knew he cared for me, but was it more than the others? And I knew he didn't judge us based on our former castes, but did the number really not matter at all? While he was up there in the palace, I had been in the basement, pricking my fingers with needles, sewing his clothes. He had been raised as royalty, while I had been raised as meaningless, easily discarded and thrown away.

The Queen needed to be someone beloved, valuable, worthwhile. I tried to be the best I could be for Ethan, but I needed to keep working on being the best I could be for Illéa. Even so, I wondered if they could really accept me. I distracted my mind with studies, seeking out Mai for help. It was all I could do for now. I'd always been so anxious, insecure, but I needed to keep my head up. What was the point in dwelling on all that I'm not, when I could be working on all that I am?

Even so, I couldn't hide my emotions. Maya got me to talk. "I've been so nervous about my standing in the Selection. I love Ethan, and I don't know what I'd do if he chooses someone else." My shoulders slumped. "Does love always hurt this much?" She nodded solemnly. "It's never so simple. Maybe in the beginning, but never all the time." I looked at her, wondering if she was talking about that guard again. "Until now, I wasn't ready to talk about it. It was... a one-sided love." It was shocking that someone so bright and beautiful as Maya wouldn't have her feelings returned. "I'd loved this guard for two years. We'd talk a lot, cross each other in the halls, see each other during breaks... And when I wasn't with him, I was daydreaming about him. He was tall, dark, and dreamy. I simply couldn't help myself." She shrugged. "It's only recently I discovered he probably never had feelings for me at all, as he was love with someone else."

I felt sad for her, knowing all too well what that feeling was like. I worried all the time Ethan was maybe in love with another of the Selected. "Are they together now?" I asked, softly. "Officer Ivan is in prison now." I searched my mind, and then it clicked. Maya had been in love with Lester Ivan, the guard who'd fallen for Lady Paisley, another selected girl. "I'm sorry Maya." I let out, as it was all I could do. "It couldn't be helped. Paisley was a Three, blue-eyed, light-skinned and beautiful; I'm just a Six with too-short hair and brown eyes." I'd never thought of her features as flaws. "You're just as beautiful Maya."

I wondered if all lower castes felt the burden of their title like she and I did. "It's just not fair, isn't it?" Maya said, looking down at the ground. "As a Six, the best job you can get is in the palace. And yet, once you enter this place, you're isolated from the rest of the world. Unless I want to date a guard or a cook or a groundskeeper, there's very little chance for me to find love at all. That's all I've ever wanted, to find my perfect match, but I can't here."

I wanted to tell her how I'd been in the exact same position, how I felt the Selection was my best chance at love, of pursuing what otherwise would never had been an option. But all I could do was be there for her. I remembered my life before I entered the palace, and the boyfriend I'd had back then.

"When I was fourteen," I started. "I was dating this boy named Rowan. It wasn't love, but I liked him a lot." Maya was attentive, as she seemed to swallow her tears. "He was a Six, like me, and we got along so well. Sometimes I wonder though, how much of the relationship was genuine, and how much of it was just settling for someone of the same caste." I took a breath. "It makes me think how these labels affect who we choose to love, who we feel we are worthy of. I wonder what it would be like if we could just choose a person, not a number." I left out the part of how I haven't seen Rowan ever since I was sold to the palace.

For now, I was choosing Ethan, not the prince, but the person. And I hoped he really could do the same for whomever got to be his wife. But to be worthy of being by his side, I had to keep working a lot harder.