Into the Crowd. ✔

CHAPTER 9

The first time I asked her that question, I was met with no reply, only heartbreak. So as I lay here with her in my arms, her warmth enveloping me, all of me. I took
that chance again. I just couldn’t wait any longer. It’s crazy asking a question like this, after only one day, but I knew since I was fourteen that I will marry this girl. I had to know her answer even if I was met with a ‘maybe’. When she pulled away
from me I thought I made a mistake, but when her soft voice whispered yes, I could hardly believe my own ears. When she said it a couple more times I felt so alive for the first time ever. In this tiny hospital bed, ten years later with the love of my life
and she said yes. The answer I was waiting for so long finally arrived. We will have some obstacles in our way, meaning Graham and Rebecca, but with the support of our friends and family we can make it work. I know we can.
“There is something you should know, though. It’s about Taylor.” We stayed in our happy bubble for a while after I popped the question, but I knew there was still
something she was not telling me. So I did not push the matter.
“Okay.”
“I was twelve weeks along when we crashed. Because of the crash, my injuries and blood loss, the doctors thought there was less to none chance for the baby’s survival.
It was hard not knowing what was going on. To have nobody I remembered. I was in so much shock when the doctors told me I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to
do. I was taken for scan after scans trying to figure out what was wrong with me. If the baby was still alive. There was no one holding my hand, telling me that everything was going to be okay. There was a time I wished that I wasn’t pregnant.
To have the carry the burden of a life I can’t remember. There was a time Graham and Rebecca wanted me to get rid of the baby like it was a piece of trash, but I couldn’t. During the first ultrasound the doctors spotted the abnormal heart rhythm. I knew it was too early to tell if something really was wrong, but once I heard that little heartbeat, knowing that it came from the baby growing in my belly, too feel her kick. That’s when I decided that I was keeping the baby, no matter what. I may not have remembered anything else, but I just couldn’t part with the fact of giving up the only light I had in my life at that moment. After weeks of testing and current check-ups, our baby was diagnose with CCHD, Congenital heart defect.”
I knew exactly what that was. I have seen it in a few cases before when I was a resident. I saw the sadness in new parent’s eyes. The pain and the heartbreak. I just couldn’t stand the thought that she went through it all alone. Without any kind of insurance in survival of the baby. All alone and where was I? Nowhere.
“Taylor was born a few months later, six weeks premature. She was so small, Josh. So small. I couldn’t heart the fact that there was a chance my baby girl would not
survive. She was so beautiful.” I rubbed my hand up and down her back, soothing her memories.
“She was breathing so fast. She looked so tired. Her belly was swollen, her legs and her eyes was puffy. I so wanted to know their color, but I couldn’t see. They did a
pulse oximetry test to check the amount of oxygen in my baby’s blood. The sensors was attached to her tiny finger and foot. She looked so fragile and I felt so alone.”
My heart was breaking for both of them. My baby girl was so strong.
“Later I found out that the accident and blood loss wasn’t the only reason that cause the CCHD, but that I was a diabetic. I never knew. It was never stated in any of my medical records.”
“I never knew...” I manage to say.
“After another test she was finally diagnose with Hypoplastic left heart syndrome known as HLHS.” I closed my eyes, trying to picture what happened. Trying to paste myself into the frame.
“In this condition, the left side of the heart doesn’t form fully and that her heart can’t properly pump the blood. The heart valves was so weak to control the blood flow to her heart. So it was either heart surgery or a transplant. They rushed her into the surgery minutes after she was born. I watched them taking her away and I never ever had the chance to hold her. Josh, I was so scared that I was never going to see
my baby alive again. I prayed to a God I can’t remember. There were a few more surgeries after that, but after the first one I got to hold my baby girl for the first time. To see her chest moving up and down. She felt so alive. Since that moment I knew our baby was a fighter and she fought every day since. The doctors did say that a transplant is possible in the future as she grows. Now she takes her medicine every day to help to build the heart muscles stronger and to get rid of extra fluids in her
chest. I think about it every day. Every moment she’s not with me. I am so scared that something might happen. Josh, if something ever happens to her again, I don’t think I can make it. It will kill me.”
“You don’t have to be scared anymore. You don’t have to be alone anymore. I am here now. Nothing will change that. Let me help you carry this hurt. Let me love my baby
the way she deserves to be loved by her daddy. Let me love you. There will not go a day that I won’t care, no matter what. We WILL do this together. Now she has the both of us. Let me take care of you now.”
“Thank you, Josh. I love you so much. Somehow I never stopped.”
“Thank you for telling me. How I wish I could have been with you. You were so strong. I don’t know anybody who would have done what you did. To never give up
on the one thing that matters the most. You are so brave. I honestly don’t know if I would have had the same strength as you did.”
“She was my light in the darkness.”
“Thank God.”
“Yes, I thank God every day.” I close my eyes and let the memories drift to a place where I felt the hopelessness crushing every bone in my body…