Into the Crowd. ✔

CHAPTER 18

How can something so complex, be so heartbreaking?

*

Maddie was sleeping, resting her head on my lap. My fingers gently running through her hair as I sat there awake, looking out over my daughter laying in a hospital bed. Her skin was pale, almost blue and gray. She hasn't moved a muscle in over eight hours, at least not since I was sitting here, awake and waiting for her to wake up as the night turned into daylight. My own eyes were dry and heavy, but I couldn't go to sleep now. The moment when I felt like my eyes were about to close, Charlie and Vicky poked their heads into the room. Maddie started to stir on my lap and when she saw Vicky and Charlie come in she got up and went to Vicky, hugging her tightly.
"What time is it?" I ask Charlie as I got up and stretched my limbs.
"Just after seven." He says looking over to where Taylor was still sleeping. His own eyes were red, dried out from staying awake.
"Any changes?" He asks before he too came across the room to hug me.
"Nothing." I manage to say out loud for the first time.
"Ezra and Drew, are they still here?" I ask him, but he shook his head.
"They left last night to go back to your house to take care of Troy, they'll be here later this morning."
"Thanks." I move over to Maddie, envelope her hand with mine where she held Taylor's.
"Hey." Her eyes met mine. The dark circles still evident. The worry surrounding them was showing in those endless green eyes. I silently wished and screamed for Taylor to open them her eyes. Maddie started to shiver running her hand up and down her arms. I took my jacket from the chair and laid it over her shoulders. Her body sinking in to the warmth.
"I need her to wake up now." She whispers into the room.
"She will. Just give her a little more time to build her strength." Vicky encourages her.
"It has been over nine hours."
"I know. Can I go and grab you something to eat? You need to eat Maddie." I tell her. She hasn’t eaten or drank anything since the dinner last nights at the gala, didn’t even manage to get to the main course.
"Please." I beg her, framing her face so she can see how serious I am. I let go.
"Here…" I took her cellphone out of her bag and put it on the stand next to the bed where she can easily reach it.
"Use it if something changes. I'll be back as soon as possible."
"Wait!" I turn back to her.
"Can you maybe drive back home and bring me something else to wear, I don't want to stay in this dress any longer."
"Okay." I walk back over and kiss her soundly goodbye.
"I won't be long." I tell Charlie and Vicky. On the drive back home I made a few calls through my wireless ear set to the organizers of last night. Turns out we raised over two million dollars! Most of the night was a success, until Taylor sunk to her knees after the performance. Ezra and Drew was just about to pull out of the driveway when I got to the gate.
"Hey mate, we were just on our way to the hospital." Drew says through the open window.
"Just came by to pick up a few things."
"Any changes?"
"Nothing yet, but soon." We said goodbye. Troy met me at the front door. His doggy six sense sensing something was wrong. I picked him up, hugging his growing body to my chest.
"She'll be back home soon buddy, I promise." I gave him a final scratch and walked up the stairs, shrugging out of my clothes on my way into the shower. I stood there until the water started to run cold. I dressed in a plain white T-shirt and jeans and picket out two sets of cloths for Maddie. Troy was barking downstairs. He ran upstairs straight into Taylor’s room and onto her bed. That’s where he fell asleep. A new set of emotions drowns within my throat, thinking about all the huge role that Taylor plays in our lives and the thought of losing her, would be the end of it all…

*

"Daddy, daddy! Catch me." My body shook itself out of the dream and I roll over onto my back and stared up at the dark ceiling. Today would be the fourth anniversary since Maddie's death. My tiny apartment I shared with my buddy Michael was dead quiet in the night. Only a street lamp shining through my open window. I got up and walk over to the big closet sitting in the corner of the room. I opened the side of the closet I haven't opened in so long. The black guitar case laughing at my misery, so I kicked the door closes again. The pain still too shallow, burning my skin, hanging on the surface of my heart where it would be branded for the rest of my life. Right now on this moment I would have been a husband and a father to a boy or a girl. I sank down on the floor, banging my head against the wall. It’s been four whole years without Maddie. I wish I never drove that day. I wished I focused on the road in front of me. Maybe then I would have seen the truck coming our way. She would have been with me today. Maybe she would still have gone to London, but she would still have been here with me today. It’s like a dance. You move to the rhythm, but the moment you take the lead you are responsible not to screw up and never to let go.
'I should have said yes,
When you asked me to dance. Asked me to dance, with you. I should have said 'no'
When you asked me to let go. Don't ask me to let go. Of the things I know.'
I can't live like this anymore. I need to pick myself up. Maybe I'll never be the same, but I need to start carrying the memories of Maddie with me and use it in a positive way. So I picked myself up and started to write for the first time in ten years. And it felt good...

*

Later that morning I send Maddie along with Vicky to her apartment to get some well needed rest and a hot shower, since Vicky's apartment was the closest to the hospital that our home. Taylor was still sleeping, with little limb movement every now and then. Maddie looked more refresh when she came back, giving me some time to get some sleep as well. Two am in the morning I woke up in Maddie's old room, my cellphone buzzing close to my ear. Maddie's names flashes on the screen and I dropped the phone twice before I could answer it in panic.
"Maddie, is everything alright? Taylor?" There was a moment of silence and a lump in my throat.
"Maddie? Talk to me please, you're scaring me." I sat up in bed putting on the bed lamp. Swinging my legs of the side of the bed I run my free hand through my hair waiting for her to answer me. I was already pushing my jeans up over my hips and the shirt over my head.
"She just woke up, asking for you." This was the first thing she said. I sigh in the relieve I hear in her voice.
"Okay I am on my way now."
"No. Stay. Get some more rest. I told her you needed sleep and that you will be with her first thing in the morning."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. We're alright. I'll see you in a couple of hours."
"I love you Maddie. Please don't doubt it." I didn't know who I was trying to assure, Maddie or myself?
"I love you too, Josh. So much."
It has been a couple of days living in and out of the hospital. Even Ezra tried to sneak Troy into the hospital, but was calmly escorted out of the building by laughing security and a very unhappy dog, at least he got to see her for a minute. I can't say that Taylor was doing better, because she isn't. Her blood pressure drops twice or three times a day just to peak again at times. She still sleeps most of the time, but there were times both of us couldn't be there at the same time to actually have a decent conversation with her. Maddie was munching on a Greek salad while showing Taylor pictures of the fundraiser on her tablet. Taylor 'oo-ed' and 'aa-ed' at all the right moments, but she hardly says anything else. I can see Maddie was trying to lift the mood, but even her own techniques fails on herself. She looked up at me for reinsurance, but I failed as well in misery. She pushed away her almost untouched salad and pushed out from her chair. Kissing Taylor swiftly on the head and was out the room the next. I look over to Taylor seeing the tears forming in her eyes. I hush her with my voice telling her that her mom was just a bit tired and needed some fresh air. I excused myself from the room the moment Vicky came in. I explained that I need to go check on Maddie. I look up and down the hallway trying to figure out where she might be. On instinct I cross the floor to the ladies room and cracked open the door. I froze when I saw Maddie splashing some cold water on her face. Trying to wash away the tears, but she keeps on crying. I scanned the room and when I saw it was empty I locked the door behind me. Needing to have a private moment with her. I saw another tear escape when she saw me coming in.
"I don't think I can do this." She chokes out in a sob.
"I can't - can't-" She stutters and I take two big steps until she was in my arms. Her body strength gave in and I held on to her with all my might. Her body complete lax.
"We got this. I got you." I whisper in her ear trying the sooth the ache in her heart. There was a soft knock on the door, but I ignored it.
"You need to go back in there. Taylor needs you and if she sees for one moment that our strengths are wavering, so will hers and I know that's not what you want or what I want." Her feet found their balance again pulling herself up straight. I thumbed away the tears. I kiss her then just needing to feel an inch of normal. The salty taste on her lips presses firmly against mine. I tangle my fingers in her hair, wanting to get closer. To drew strength. I needed it. I crave it with everything in me. I ask for so little, but I need this. For Taylor to gain her strength. A new heart. The knocking continues, getting harder with every retreat.
"Thank you. I didn't want to upset Taylor that's why I came in here. I can't let her see me breaking down. Then you came in here all knight in shining armor, pulling my head out of my ass. You are right. I need to stay strong. We need to stay strong and do it together. She will get better. She has to." The loud knocking continues when I pulled away from her.
"Then come on, before somebody breaks down the door." Nothing could have prepared for me when I opened the door and saw the frantic look on Vicky's face and my stomach dropped. Maddie and I ran towards the direction of Taylor's room. There's a commotion outside her open door. Nurses came rushing in and out. There were shouts and curses. I could hear Maddie's scream, her cry. I was the first one in the room to see the defibrillator pads being places on her chest. I move about the room. I could hear them counting down from three.
"Clear!" One yelled. Someone cried.
"Clear!" They higher the voltage for the last time.
"Clear!" And there was silence. And a steady beep.