CheckMate

Chapter 17: We Can Handle This....

Before Reading

I know people hate when the character acts like this, but she's dealing with a serious issue and this occurs in REAL life everyday. People struggle to deal with emotions. Especially when they are put in life or death situations.

So I don't want no comments about 'she's extra' or 'She's being dumb' or 'she's dumb' I don't want anything of that because she's not being dumb, she's acting as a hurt person.

If you can't understand real life concepts then just don't read.

For weeks on end I'd wake in a cold sweat, wiping my forehead of the cold sweat that formed in sleep from the terrible dreams I'd have the night before. Never in the weeks since the incident have I been able to get a full nights rest.

Erik caught the brute end of the sleepless nights as I also was terrified of what he was capable of. At the time I was just happy he was there to save me, but he killed a man. In front of my eyes he murdered someone.

Then acted as if it never happened.

How can someone take a life from another person and just act like it wasn't a big deal. I knew he was a killer but I haven't ever seen it happen. Seeing it first hand just made me realize that I have to be out of my mind to think he's stable enough to be around my child.

Maybe it was my terrible incident or maybe I'm just thinking crazy because I was scared and I didn't want to be around Erik right now, but still loved him.

How the hell does that work?!

I just wanted some distance and time alone, but with all my clothes in his closet there was no way I'd be able to get some and leave without waking him up.

But I just wanted to go, disappear and make everything go away for some time, even if it was just a week or two. By the morning Erik was awake making breakfast, and I didn't care to help him like I usually would.

He noticed my shift in tone, and shift in attitude. He did his best to ignore it thinking it was just the pregnancy, but he already knew it was more. But wasn't about to ask about it knowing I would lash out about it.

All I could seem to do was lash out and yell at Erik for every single thing he did wrong, and not once thank him for the things he does correctly.

I kept being paranoid thinking that my son can't hear, thinking that his hearing could be damaged and it's all Erik's fault. I never thought that before today, but all I have is anger in my heart and I didn't know where it was coming from.

I wasn't mad at Erik, I felt as if I was mad at the situation and the fact that I felt that I wasn't safe in my own city anymore, and that my child would never know safety. And as  a person that never, really had to deal with anger I don't know how to handle it. Either bottle it up or let it out.

I was letting it out but I was just blaming Erik for everything. Even though on the inside I knew it wasn't ALL his fault my mouth had other things to say, and it was all false emotions and I just wanted to scare and hurt him like I was hurt and scared.

I just watched him finish cooking and make plates. But when he set mine down on the counter I just passed by it. Leaving it there because I didn't want to eat it.

I went into the fridge, and grabbed some leftovers and popped it into the microwave. Then pulling it out and ate that instead of what he made.

I didn't care if it was disrespectful at the moment, it was disrespectful for him not to tell me that he was a gangster and basically had a entire 'hood'.