CheckMate

Chapter 18: I'm Not Ready....

Erik and I had some issues to resolve after my break down. He knew I was struggling to handle what happened. Knowing I was a little softy. But I didn't really want to go to therapy, I just wanted to spend time with Erik.

I knew he'd never hurt me, it's why I just wanted to spend my time with him and have him help me heal. I barely left the house in that time, and he had me explain to him everything I was feeling. Why I said everything I said, and why I chose those words to say to him.

I explained to him everything, how I felt like he was dangerous. That I never felt like he would hurt me but when I saw him kill that man, I felt like he didn't have control. Because I didn't see himself in his eyes, I seen nothing. It was like he wasn't even there.

"I was afraid Erik. You weren't yourself at that moment".

"I was myself, I just wasn't in the sweet mode you came to know."

"What was it then huh Erik? Killer mode!" At the current moment we were both laying in bed, relaxing not touching each other in the slightest. It was like we were two vegetables laying next to each other in a bed. But I just wanted comfort.

I scooted over closer next to him, and threw my leg over his waist. He did move knowing not doing anything at all would just push me away more. He wanted me comfortable, he wanted to soothe me and calm me down.

His hand rubbed up my leg, and softly rubbed my thigh, that was exposed in the shorts I wore.

"No." He said bluntly. "It was protection mode. I didn't care about anything else but you. If you died or got hurt, I'd be like I was hurt. You are me! You are apart of me and I can't allow you to get hurt".

"I understand that more now, I believe you". I nodded. Calming myself listening and trusting his words to me. He has never lied to me before.

"You know I'll never hurt you right".

"I know now". I said lowly.

"As long as you know, I would never hurt you. Ever. No matter how mad I get. I would kill a goat before I laid hands on you and that's fact". I nodded to his statement.

"As long as you won't ever hurt me". I chuckled

"Never. We been together for years and you haven't ever pissed me off. Your irritating but I love you and I don't want you hurt".

"I'm irritating?!"

"No". He admitted. He better have been lying I don't even bug him that often.

"That's what I thought". I chuckled. "I'm happy I decided to talk about this. I don't what crazy things I could have done if I didn't".

"I'm glad you did to. Threatening to leave me? What!" I giggled but then looked at him serious written all over my face now.

"I meant it when I said, I would never leave you. It was all my fear I ever built up inside of me, controlling me and what I say. I didn't mean any of it. And even while I was saying it out loud in my head I was just telling myself to stop saying that. But...I just wouldn't. It was like my body was on auto pilot and I didn't have control of anything."

"I get it, I felt like that when I had to save you. I wasn't even thinking though. All I could think was save D, if she dies then I die. She all a nigga got"

"You have more then me I'm sure".

"Yeah, that's why I played all them girls. Because I have people to be with huh". He was being sarcastic.

"Okay, I get that".  I nodded. "But you have me now. And you have, little you". I smiled looking at my now 9 month baby bump. We reached the 9th month and I yet to pop this baby out. Unfortunately.