It's been two weeks since Nico's funeral and my entire life had become a train wreck. I had no idea how much that boy meant to me until he was gone. No one besides Charlie even knew he was sick, so you could imagine the stir of confusion his death must've caused between my small circle of friends. Everyday I felt myself entering the endless cycle of forcing myself out of bed to get to school then returning to my safe haven of my bed to fall into a slumber I hope I will never wake from.
The palest tint of auburn still remained in my hair so my blonde roots peaked through. I wasn't hiding anything from anyone, although I so desperately wanted to. I couldn't keep going on this way, I know there was nothing I could do but I couldn't stop myself from wondering why I couldn't have been a little nicer or a little bit more warm hearted to him before he was gone. Every morning I painted on a painfully obvious fake smile and a sheer coat of cockiness. Fake it til you make it, I suppose.
Sophie and I became close friends extremely quickly. She revealed to me that her mom passed away in a house fire when she was three, so it was nice knowing someone could understand. She gave me good coping advice as well. She taught me that when you think nothing is in your control, your body always is. Skinny little Sophie with her hair pulled into braids and a different sweater everyday. She gave me magic pills to make me look like her, ones that feel like death on my belly but it's worth it.
Celery and saltines for lunch every single day, nothing more and sometimes less if I'm lucky. I never realized how many flaws I had until Sophie. She noticed the rolls of fat that formed when I slouch and my lack of light shining in between my thighs. Sophie had the perfect body in my eyes, and I would stop at nothing to reach it.
Nico's death taught me something: you will never recover from tragedy without distraction. Starvation was my new distraction, my passion. I looked at myself in the mirror every morning and examined my somewhat noticeable weight loss. My arms were thinner and my tummy was flatter, but my eyes had dark purple semicircles beneath them and my hair was beginning to fall out clump by clump. I wanted to be pretty, for myself and for Sophie.
On Wednesday after school I spent the afternoon at Ivy's house. We were just doing what we normally would do, homework and talking. I just wanted to get alone with Toby. I excused myself to the bathroom and slipped into his room.
"You need something?" He lifted his headphones off of his ears and around his neck. Just as I had done any other time we got a second alone, I jumped on top of him and we started to kiss. No big deal, nothing new. I heard the door creak open along with an unsubtle gasp. Oh no; Ivy.
I ran after her with my face flushed pink and my palms sweaty. "Ivy, wait!" I cried. She turned around and struck me across the face. "How could you? Fiona this is not like you! What about Charlie? What about me? I cant believe I spent so long trusting you. You're nothing Fiona; you're trash." I was stunned. Id never heard her raise her voice like that, I didn't even know she had a temper to break.
"Please don't tell Charlie. I still love him, I do." She scoffed. "If you love someone, you don't do shit like this. You don't love him that's such a load of shit! Fuck you Fiona, he was never anything but good to you." I stormed out of her house and sprinted home. I was going through a lot, I thought she would understand. I didn't have time for her shit, I knew I could call her in a week and she'd take me back in an instant. I paused my trek home when I felt a buzz in my back pocket.
Charlie: We're done.
Fuck Ivy. Fuck Charlie. I did nothing wrong, I don't need them.
I found myself at Sophie's house rather than my own. She rushed me inside and handed me a can of soda, diet, naturally. I filled her in on what had happened and I felt her sympathize with me. "You don't need them. You did nothing wrong, you're totally in the right here. You still have me, I promise." I hugged my new best friend and smiled at her understanding. "You're the only good person left in my life, Soph. You're all I have."
