Madness.

4.

I waltzed down the stairs, lost in a world of my own creation, as I was for the last four days. I dawdled, wondering how I would soon leave this place, conjuring a plan of escape.

For days I had tried everything, windows, doors, hell, even the damned plumbing. Blue eyes had the house on lock down and there was no escape.

So down the stairs I waltzed, humming to no song in particular in my usual melancholy tune. Not a damned care in the world.

No one. Not even for myself.

A row of suitcases sat waiting by the front door. And suspicion crept in like an old friend.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

Blue eyes waited alongside the bags, eyes buzzing with expectancy, smirk playing with knowledge. His body was clad in jeans and a sweater. A change from the usual tailor made suit he wore when he left the house.

"Monte Carlo." He said it as if it was nothing. Perhaps to him it was.

A pain sliced through my chest in search to shatter a heart that no longer lived there.

"What?" I asked. My voice oozed with horror, my hands trembled with fear. My fingers were ice again.

And my throat knew this fire.

"Monte Carlo."

He said the horrid name again. And it buzzed  in my ears until I couldn't deny it.

No.

No.

No.

I shouldn't be there. Why? Why must I go?

"Why?" I asked.

"Why not?" He asked.

"I don't want to go there" I replied.

Don't make me do it. I silently begged.

"Why?" He asked.

"Because I don't!" I wanted to bellow until my voice cracked.

"I've heard it's not that nice this time of year." I said instead.

"Oh really? Guess we'll find out soon then." He smiled, cynical in every way.

"I'm not going" I quipped

I tried to persist-

"You don't get to choose, sweetheart" He announced.

-But this was his game-

"Please don't make me go there" I whispered beneath my empty breath

-and he would not lose.

"Why?" I looked away but his hands made me look at him. Gripping my jaw to force my obedience. "Afraid we'll bump into Arthur?"

"How do you-"

"An old friend of sorts. Well, not anymore. In fact, I despise the man"

"What did he ever do to you?" Arthur wasn't someone you could hate. Whether he'd hurt you or not.

"Nevermind what he did to me, look what he did to you. He ruined you. He broke something beautiful and I want him to pay" He seethed.

"You want revenge" I stated.

"Don't you?" He asked.

"I want to die. There's not much in between." I laughed. I chuckled. I giggled. I sighed. And laughed again.

"Well you don't always get what you want." He quipped.

"Exactly." I challenged

There was this silence between us. It was tough and unrelenting, it filled our lungs with rage and came out in inaudible whispers. It was heavy. An over baring weight placed on our chests to crush our ribs, yet paper thin and easy to feel. It was always like that with him. Easy to feel. Easy to crush yourself and endure the pain of many things but nothing in particular. It scared me. 

Before him, I felt so much that I grew numb. So numb that the things that used to hurt me - did not.

In the water. I didn't feel the salt in my eyes or the waves in my lungs. I felt nothing. I feel nothing. I must feel nothing. 

So why?

Why must he challenge this?

Why must he challenge all that I thought I knew.

I would not go there. I would not go. I would not go there. I would not go.

I could not. Not again.

So I agreed. Nodded my head and took his hand. He lead me outside to his car in handcuffs that only he had the key to. He loaded the suit cases into the car.

And I ran.

I ran and I ran.

Like my death depended on it.

Because this life ain't worth living no more. 

Not even with you here now, Blue.