Madness.

13.

I must be out of my mind. Absolutely insane.

Perhaps this all might be apart of some elaborate psychosis. If so then my mind is a violent bully with no regard for anyone but herself. She is selfish. Bloodthirsty. Toxic beyond comprehension and I hate her.

I hate her and everything else on this damned blue marble.

I hate the fucking moon as blares it's harsh cool light down onto me and onto the waves and onto my life. It's like it's selfish too. It takes and takes and never returns. It never gives any room for the sun and I am so, so very tired of wondering around in constant night time. 

I hate Melina. My goodness, I hate that bitch. I hate that she's so perfect. So unapologetically lovable. Fuck that shit. I hate her more than life. I hate her for stealing mine. I hate her for the new weight gracing her perfectly slender fingers

I hate my parents. I hate this beach. I hate the taste of Vodka but you know what's so ironically funny? I'm stuck with all of those things.

I hate everything, but I hate the waves much less. Because they are my friends. My friends. Only my friends. And they don't like Melina, they don't like the things that I hate. I asked them. And they said they would never hurt me. Or lie. Or leave me.

They said they would give me everything I wanted. They say it's because they love me. Because they think they know me. Because think I know them.

But maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm absolutely insane. 

I'm crazy for thinking anything could love me. But boy don't I love playing make belief. I know the waves are lying. I know they only wish to kill me. I know they spend all their days dreaming of my death. You see they are just as crazy as I am. They are just as heartless as I am. They are liars, like all my lovers. Perhaps that's why we get along so well. Perhaps that's why they make me feel happy. Just like Blue. Just like Arthur.

This vodka's making my brain fuzzy. My head is heavy. I can't see my feet. I want to throw up. I want to die. I hear someone crying, and laughing, and screaming. 

"Help" She whispers her screams because she doesn't want them to hear her go. She doesn't want to be saved again. She wants to master her fate for once. For once she wanted control over her life. 

Or maybe she wants the help? Maybe she doesn't want to die but the feeling in her chest, the pain, has become her anchor. Tugging her towards the blue. Wishing to drown her sorrows in salt water. Maybe her heart was still there...somewhere. Maybe it wasn't that she'd lost her heart maybe it was that it was still there. Maybe it was her mind she lost. Maybe she thought with her heart. Maybe that was what was wrong. I can't tell. I think she's just tired. 

I wonder if the moon's a woman. I wonder if she only comes to visit me at night is because she's been hurt too. I wonder if she still chases the sun. I wonder if she realised that she will never get to him. I wonder if she realises that they just weren't made equal. I wonder if like me she's never been good at anything but self destruction. I hope no one tells her the truth. I hope we give her the lies, let them fill her bright and hopeful eyes. I hope she never becomes me. Maybe that's why I hate her so much. Maybe I hate because she is me. The me I used to be. Because she is obvious and hopeful and glowing. Reflecting all the light the sun gives to her.

"No. Fuck you!" I threw the empty bottle to the sky and waited to hear it shatter against the moon. "You think he loves you! You're....You're wrong! You just wait 'til he...he fucks your sister and marries her and has a baby with her. What the fuck did you think would happen eh? Your stupid ass."

I looked to the edge of the ocean as if I could see a way out. As if there was a way to end it all. I felt my feet move closer to it. I felt warm tears become my friends as I became a hot blubbering mess. I felt myself find a glimmer of hope. A speck, just a speck of joy. A touch of freedom. My eyes were drawn to the horizon. The line were the water met the sky. The water was still. The stars reflected from the calm water, making it feel as though I was walking into the sky. The big, dark, glittering sky. I think I'd miss that the most. I hadn't even noticed the water had reached my waist. The sweet whisper of the oceans breeze called me deeper in. Much deeper. So deep that my feet lost the powdery sand of the oceans floor. I was simply floating. Not touching the bottom. Not reaching the top. I was in the middle. Unsure of where I was or where to go. Unsure of what I should've been feeling. I felt absolutely nothing. Not the heartbreak, not the relief. nothing at all. And I was okay with that. My eyes began to close as my lungs struggled for air. I covered my mouth to fighting the urge to swim to the top and breath again. And feel it all again. The waves wiped the tears from my eyes. As they wrapped their arms around me and promised me safety.

They promised to save me. That was the one thing I could believe.