Madness.

9.

"Stop the car." The voice said. Demanding as ever, how could I refuse. "Rain, baby, I said stop"

The car came to a screeching halt. I did not stop the car; she did it without my permission. Why? Why did she always listen to him? Did she have no will of her own? She was weak, so infuriatingly weak. I see the truth now. I see. My own shadow will betray me to serve him. My shadow is a snake. A snake. For so long I have kept her by my side but how do I remove her now? How do I remove her? I can't rip her from my body. I can't make her fade away. It's so dark now so she shouldn't be here. Why is she here? Why must she never leave?

"No. Not again. Let me... Please!" I begged as I slammed my weighted fists against the steering wheel, creating a hazardous sound that I ignored. I hoped it would scare my shadow away. Out of this car, stay at the edge of the street; away from me and wait for Blue to fetch her. As long as she is gone I don't care what happens.

"Come back to me" He told me. Holding a sense of urgency to his voice, a captive in his strained murmur. I knew this poison tongue, that snake mouth filled with a love I thought was real. I knew it too well. I wouldn't again.

 "You don't want me. Nobody wants me. My fucking family doesn't want me. You all want Melina. Go get Melina. Go get her. Nobody wants me, not even myself." I whispered, enraged and breathless as my tears began to dry on my face. Ancient rivers eroded, taken by man and his selfish ways "Let me go."

"Stop it!" He yelled at me.

"No... I will say this though, it was nice knowing you. You gave me hope, even though it didn't last too long" I laughed as my body got tired, falling onto the steering wheel and hooting once more. I didn't care. I didn't care. I didn't matter. Nothing did.

"Rain-" He begged.

"Don't call me that" I corrected quietly.

"Ryanne-"

"Don't call me that either!" I demanded.

"Rain. Ryanne. Baby-"

"Call me Melina like you did before " I laughed to myself, hysteria worked itself into this daze, evident in my hearty laugh. Laced in my delirious and feeble mind. "You seem to prefer that name over mine"

"What are you talking about?" He asked, confused.

Lies. He knew what he did. Blue was no fool, that I knew well. He was aware of his fault, just as I was of mine.

My fault? My fault was trusting my own shadow. My fault was loving. My fault was thinking things would change someday. It was optimism. It was hope.

"Tell me, Blue. Do you always think of her when we fuck or was it just this time?" I asked, curiosity biting at my tongue. 

He didn't answer me.  He was silent because he knew what he did and he knew it was true. His silence couldn't hurt me anymore, I couldn't feel. I couldn't remember how.

"I don't know why you just won't let me die, Blue. Do I have something you need? Want me to hook you up with my sister first? You could just always ask you know. You know I'll do whatever you ask of me." I chuckled a truth I knew was pitiful. I laughed at myself; awarding my simplicity with some sort of comedic relief, me again. Always me, never not me.

"Rain what are you talking about. I'm not with her, I'm with you." He told me.

"You wish it were her though," I corrected again "but you can't have her so I guess you'd settle for second best"

"You aren't second best" He told me.

"Can we stop with this whole charade?" I croaked tiredly "It gets old, it really does"