Madness.

8.

In my own mind, there was nothing wrong with being stuck beneath a mass of unprecedented oblivion, in fact I wish I was oblivious to everything, to everyone, to every glare, every gaze and every lie made or said by anyone I'd ever met or would meet in the future.

Unfortunately for me, I was observant. Overly so.

I noticed little things too, 

like things that weren't supposed to matter all.

Like now for example.

I noticed that Blue kept looking over my shoulder as he pretended to be interested in our half assed conversation. 

I noticed that Arthur was here, with my sister, not two tables down and yet I'd insisted we pretend that neither of us had noticed each other. 

I noticed that Blue, was so heavily engrossed in staring at my sister, that his talking had been reduced to incoherent mumbles and if I was lucky, curt yes's and no's.

And I noticed that this would be the crippling reminder that I would always be a pawn used to play a game to win my sister over. Every man I'd ever lay my eye's on would always choose dear old Melina over me, because she was the prettier one of the two and she was the taller one and the louder one and funnier and smarter.

Was that the real reason we were here - to spy on the happy couple as they enjoyed a warm meal over pleasant conversation. Was the purpose of our pitiful presence in this small, nostalgic restaurant to simply mourn our lost lovers, staring at them like lost puppies as we indirectly begged for them to love us the way they used to.

My eyes, strained and bloodshot, closed to dream of something more than this fate. I saw nothing but a pitch black void,  the back of my eyelids becoming my painful thriller, my scornful entertainment. A bitter truth settled at the base of my mouth - this food wasn't as good as it should have been, but there was nothing else but this. There was no dreaming of futile escape. There was no life outside this, fate has forced this knowledge time and time again down my throat. I used to refuse to swallow. 

but now I was tired.

Bored of this constant repetition. This tiresome cycle of disappointment. This burning in my eyes. This rage that belongs to no one.

My meal had long since begun to taste of worms. Cold and slimy.

I kept eating. 

Hoping that somewhere inside it would be the poison to finish off the pain that had settled in my chest. 

It looked divine. the, food. it looked divine.

I stopped talking out loud though. In fact now I only laughed at myself. 

This was my punishment for convincing myself that I could perhaps live without Arthur. 

I'd convinced myself that Blue would take his place. A blonde decision. 

I stared with so much scrutiny as he stared at them. His eyes dimmed with jealousy, his hair undeserving of its golden. Even in his jealousy he was beautiful. 

Perhaps I was my sisters replacement, as he was Arthur's.

For a moment though, I believed in something more than death. 

Somewhere between the constant love making and the kissing, I'd lost my prior sense of reason, I'd lost my fervent willingness to die. I'd broken down my walls and let Blue see even the broken parts of me. I knew - good and well - I knew that doing so was a mistake but as always I was so drawn to the idea of being loved again.