When I was a child, my mom always says that home isn't a building, but a person. It is the person that you don't need to talk to everyday, and even in silence you both can be comfortable together. I never understood what it meant. Not until I met him.
He is a ray of sunshine. He always has that smile that is so contagious, beautiful and genuine – like him. He is a gentleman. He never hesitated in helping others. Ready to give a helping hand no matter whom that person is. He was each and every other girl's dream guy. He makes people laugh in the oddest of situation. No matter what the situation is, he just seems so calm, so composed as if nothing can ever take him down. He was my angel. He was there with me through thick and thin. He's just there. He became my home. He was the only person that knows me like the back of his hand. He knows everything. He knows when I am mad, bothered, sad, happy, he knows what to do. I've always wondered how he knew how to handle me so well, but, I am forever grateful that he did. Even just for a while. Maybe I let him passed my walls, or maybe he has the ability to pass through walls. Either way, he made his way through, and maybe that's how he managed to mark himself in my heart.
We were happy. The first year, second year of it. Despite of all the problems that tried to hinder us. He was always the first to apologize. Maybe I gotten too used to it. He always make the first move. He would ask me what's wrong and stuff until we're finally okay again. I promised him I would never leave. But, stupid me. I don't know why but, as the time goes on, I can't feel his love anymore. And that scared me more than anything. But I didn't let him know. How could I? That would make me look so pathetic and untrusting. I trust him with my life. When all is in chaos, I gave him up. But I sent him the letters I'm keeping to myself, silently hoping that, maybe, maybe we can still work things out. But that didn't happen. A few months after he sent me a letter. Saying his goodbye. And my heart that was already broken, have been shattered to pieces, again.
And maybe I already know this would happen. Since I already know how I am not enough for him. Though all the what ifs are killing me. Suffocating me. But what can I do. Our story was over. Really over. I wanted to just fly to where he was at, and hug him and beg for him to come back to me, but. I don't have the ability nor the resources. And, if he were going to come back to me, I'm sure as hell I still can't give him what he needs, what he wants. And it will just start over again.
I've accepted that for a year. But, now that I see him happy with her, all the pain that I buried have come back alive, haunting me. It feels like every fiber of my whole being is being cut and I can't do anything about it. Do you know about that article, the article that says a person can die of a broken heart? That's how I feel. I feel like dying. Only, if that could happen to me, to really die now, I would be grateful, just please end this pain I'm feeling for the loss of my home. Please make him happy, but please just take me. I don't think I can live seeing him happy with her. Yes, I want his happiness, genuinely, sincerely, but I'm just a woman, who's still inlove with him, just like I was 4 years ago. So please let him be happy, but please take me now. For I have lost my home -- my only reason for surviving this cruel world. He knew my trauma, yet he left. So how can the world stay?
