From Michael Gow's Away, perspective of Tom.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
I'm going to die.
I don't know when, probably sometime soon, preferably quickly and painless. Nope, that's too much to ask for. Been to hospital once, and... well, that wasn't even death but it felt worse than I can actually put into words. Keep it in my thoughts instead.
I shouldn't say anything out loud. Obviously. my parents are still pretending like it doesn't exist and that cancer's not gonna drop me dead in the middle of breakfast. Ok, obviously not gonna happen like that. It'll be much worse. Much, much worse. Painful mostly.
I've had to watch my parents slowly spiral for almost six months, that's painful. Dad can barely look at me. Keeps talking about my future, and my family that I'm never gonna have. If I could though...
If I had more time I would date Meg. Actually get to know her, properly. I know her as a friend, but that's not enough. I know she likes me, she seemed really embarrassed when I gave her the brooch, immediately changed the subject. But she does like me, I think.
She's quiet, but not that 'shy girl' quiet. She's got this presence in a room, wherever she is, as if she's always the centre. If she wanted to say something, she'd say it, if she didn't and just sat quietly you would still know she was there. I dunno, maybe that's just me.
Mum's not dealing well. It's like she sees me as an hourglass, with the sand running out, so she has to fill all the empty space with as much love and care as she can. For me, and others. She's running herself dry. Sometimes she doesn't sleep, just sits at the kitchen table, praying. She's not that religious. At least not before I got sick. Sometimes I get out of bed and get a drink, just to check on her. I know she doesn't like me being up that late, but I can't just let her sit there.
Dad's disconnected himself from me like I'm dead already. He tries to talk to me, but he always ends up talking more about how upset Mum is, and to himself rather than me.
Why can't I have more time? Why do Mum and Dad have to pay for some useless hospital to stick me in a room with other sick people who they can't cure? It'd be just about more worth it to go now.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I can't do that to them. And I need to tell Meg. There are so many things I need to do. It's like going on a holiday. You make a list, pack your things, say goodbye to people and go. Except that you don't know when you're leaving. You gotta wait for death to be ready before you can leave, and he's one of those useless shits who sits around and doesn't tell you where he's at or when he'll be ready so you have to just be ready. At all times.
I guess I'm just trying to help anyone I can before I bugger off. I'm good at seeing people who need help. Coral was so deep in shit. But she's getting better, I think. Might be worse. I just have to do something. Keep my mind off it, y'know. Make jokes, keep smiling at random people in the street to see if I can make their day better.
But I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die,
I'm going to die.
