Total Eclipse of the Hart

Nat?

JULIE'S POV------

I am present. I just can't open my eyes. My scream is stuck in my throat, the agony of my memories tearing at my soul, at my very being. I silently beg for Hannah to appear at my side, but this of course doesn't work. The nurses are talking over me. Apparently I'm getting some procedure, but whatever they're doing can't help the fire of pain that's engulfing me from the inside.  How long until...it... happens? It is the worst  of my memories, the main course that the others are simply appetizers to. The pain of this final memory trumps all of the others combined. This memory, to this day, effects me and kills me, and has had me leaning over my bathtub, razor posed over my wrist, ready to feel numb. But the entire point of my memory is that I'm a coward. And so I'm too scared to hurt myself. I have hated myself ever since this incident and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself. The nurse shoots something into my arm, and I inwardly sigh, wondering how to face the next few memories.

Mom's gone. Shocker. I stretch my arms over my head, while debating what to have for breakfast. I see Jay in the kitchen, and... wait, Nat's in there? What the actual hell? I peek my head around the flimsy corner to try to see and hear what the frig is happening. Jay places his hand on Nat's waist, and even though she freezes she hides it fairly well. She's smart, goddammit. Much smarter at dealing with things then I had ever been. Jay touches her cheek, surprisingly gently, and then for no reason slaps her across the face. The sound was permanently etched into my brain. Almost like...I'm not sure, maybe a wet towel slapped onto a counter? I just know that sound and the very quiet whimper Nat produces, before grabbing ice to try to reduce the appearance of the redness that was sure to show. My eyes fill, wondering why bad things happen to people like us, why us? Jay roughly elbows Nat in the ribs, calling her a stupid whore, to which Nat has no reply. I scamper out of there, jump into the shower and turn the water on, not even bothered by the fact that I had all of my clothes still on. I whimper, sounding like a beaten dog, and sink to my knees. Frigging coward. I saw Jay hit my sister, and what do I do? I stand there. Dammit! Disgusted with myself, I slam my fist into the wall, relishing the sting felt across my knuckles. Nat hears the bang, and knocks on the door, asking if I'm alright. I respond and decide to shower for real, and try to wash away the pain.

Three months later, and our whole "situation" is no better. Teachers notice the dejected attitude, the reluctance to go home, but he is smart to never hit us anywhere that is visible. We keep our mouths shut because if we report him, our mother will be charged as well because she's technically neglected us, but I know in my heart she doesn't mean to. That's what Nat says, and I trust Nat more than anyone else. Also, Nat and I would be put in a foster care home, but probably not in the same one, which is an awful possibility, with siblings split up all the time. So as Jay says, we keep our "F#cking mouths shut", and keep quiet. But I wasn't lying last year, when I said I hate him, because that red-hot fire of hate is still inside me, and it's only a matter of time before I become one with the fire and unleash it onto him. The desire to run away is becoming appealing, and over the past month I've been discreetly trying to hide a few food items and other supplies necessary for my survival. I really need to convince Nat though, and that will be the hard part. 

Mom was able to come home early today, and so Nat and I were able to escape our "quality time" with Jay. Relieved, I am invigorated with the prospect of leaving and being able to start a new life for both Nat and myself, and the freedom to not live in fear every waking moment. At night, once we hear Jay's snores, I tell her about how we need to run away. "Nat, I can't live like this, he's getting even worse," I say, showing my new bruises. Nat nods, and says, "I know, I can't either...but Mom..." "No. Mom's never here for us, I don't give a damn. He's the only one around, and she won't even miss us." Once I utter these words, I realize the truth in them, and am stunned. My resolve is solid, I am leaving tomorrow night. I look up at Nat, and see the tears pooling in her eyes. I lean over and hug her, and whisper, "We have to get out now, or else we'll never leave. He will end up killing us." She nods. "Fine. Tomorrow night. Don't mention this to anyone, and start to prepare for everything. That man has taken everything from me, I can't let him take you away too." Unaware of what we were getting ourselves into, we fall asleep, the happiest we had been in years.