I'm such a f*ckin lady

03

WARNING: IF YOU SELF HARM THIS MAY GET A LITTLE SENSITIVE FOR YOU...

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Mother fucking shit.

I'm so tired of everything, so tired of being that second choice, so tired of being unhappy with myself, and tired of being somebody that I'm really really not. I hate it, I hate every single bit of it.

Yeah, I portray to be one of those girls that really doesn't give a toss, but deep down somewhere I do. And I don't like the fact that I do.

I care too much about what others are thinking of me and what others think I need to be you know? Like I feel like I have eyes that are searching around me and when they find me they keep their disapproving stare focused on me. Everywhere I walk there are eyes, just watching me, watching how I go through everyday, watching how insecure they're making me, and they'll be watching until I've had enough of it all.

I don't cut, and I never will. I don't believe in permanently scaring yourself for the pain others cause you, or you cause yourself because it isn't worth it. The scars from cuts are not beautiful, all they tell people is that you're weak and vulnerable. Remembering that scar is there forever. It shouldn't make you feel better, it shouldn't make you feel like you've released all of these unhealthy feelings, because you haven't. You don't just cut once and that's the end of it, so therefore you haven't released any thoughts or demons inside you that you want to rid of, because you keep doing it and doing it and creating more scars that will never fully disappear. If a person cuts, they should stop because there is no reason for it. Don't let people see you like that; make them see you strong and beautiful. Yes, you may know you feel like shit but there's no need to let others know through cutting yourself. Don't let them see, let them listen. Go talk to someone.

I know people that cut, and honestly, I don't like it. I don't like that there is something out there that is causing them to do this to themselves.

You know what I do when I'm annoyed at myself for no fucking reason or there is a reason anyway? I place my nails on wherever I feel like and do the same action you would for cutting, but with my finger nails instead of scissors or a razor or knife. I do this instead because it still lets me know I'm stressed out, but it doesn't make me weaker, it makes me stronger and think about the things that made me do it and overcome them. And anyway, they fade after 5 or 10 minutes depending on how hard you have pressed into your skin. It doesn't leave a mark, but you still know that you've done it, but the fact that it fades away lets you know you can overcome the bullshit that's inside your head. I think if people do cut, and they can't stop, they should switch to this method because it saves so many people's beautiful individual skin and soul and doesn't leave a trace of reminders.

On days like this, I feel like I could talk and talk and talk about this stuff forever, but there's really no need. I don't feel like this everyday, some days I just feel empty. Some days I'm unhappy with my weight, like today was one of those days. I weighed myself and I didn't like the results that came up on the board. I'm not a skinny person, nor overweight. I've got quite a muscular shape, that's just how I am, but I know what contributes to the number on the board and I don't like it, I want to get rid of it.

But who gives a fuck right? Society is a selfish bitch who only cares about how much it's talked about.

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A/N

I'm so so sorry if this effected you in any negative way.

I'm not saying people who self harm are attention seeking at all. I'm not saying anything like that people it's a very serious thing, I'm just trying to communicate to people that they shouldn't and why they shouldn't and that there are better ways.

Please take this chapter and if you do self harm, try and do the method written here.

I'm not saying do it on purpose, if you are trying to not cut at all don't do it. But if you can't stop yourself, please please try this instead.

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Twitter: @tynnneeee_