My Journals

...This isnt important I just needed to let go of stuff...9/30/14..7:46pm

        Okay..So I've just been thinking lately and I just didnt know who to talk to soooo im here. Really all I want...or..need to do is rant about everything that is bothering me and then move on..

My Living Situation..

        So every since November 17th 2013 ive been forced to live with my grandparents which is 2 hours away from my mom and my boyfriend. At the end of last year my mom promised me that I could stay home with her as long as I stopped cutting..I did..I stopped because I didnt want to be here anymore buuuuut she lied to me and changed her mind saying I had to do another year here and if I stayed this year I could go back home this summer and stay..Anyways...I cant stand being here for longer than a day because of the constant judging...Im not saying I dont love my grandparents no matter what but like...I really really wanted to live here before and then they changed the whole thing and my mind changed so I didnt move here...I had no choice because I myself was fucking up. My mom told me the only reason she sent me here was because she didnt know how to handle the fact that I self harmed..so pretty much she sent me here so she didnt have to fix what she caused. Cant say I dont blame her. My grandparents complain that im really depressed all the time and that im never happy so theyll yell at me telling me to smile more or to "Act Happy" ..they 100% understand the reason im not happy is because im here and I dont want to be yetttt they still force me to stay but whatever...I look forward to my weekends where I get to go home and see my boyfriend..I miss him <3

My School..

        Not much with my school makes me that mad considering I dont really do anything. I mean some people are really really irritating but...people in general just fucking suck...On a daily basis im constantly wishing like the same group of people would just die...Thats not nice though...but ohhhh welllllll. That really it for school...

My Thoughts..

        This is pretty much whats killing me. My thoughts I believe will be the death of me...I have thoughts about myself sometimes but 9 times out of 10 my thoughts are about my boyfriend...Now my boyfriend is an amazing person who would never do anything to hurt me, hes always there to help and hes so fucking caring but my thoughts for some reason like to make me think otherwise. I have thoughts about him no person should ever have about their boyfriend...its like I dont trust him at all even though I 100% trust him. Its me mixing my protectiveness with my jealousy with my thought problems...but in every thought hes either cheating, leaving, lying or doing something that hurts me really badly and I cant stop myself once I start..I wont stop until I make myself cry...or until it hurts so badly that the thoughts just stop. And its not like the whole thought thing is new to me...I did it with my other relationship as well and he had to like make sure I was okay each day and that I wasnt stressing myself out so much. Im big on making myself feel like I dont mean anything to whoever I date or that They will replace me easily..or that theyre just waiting for someone else...orrr im just a second choice..But my main one is that I believe the only reason they stay is because theyre afraid if they leave that Ill selfharm or injure myself in some way and itll be like...their fault....I dunno..I didnt want to be like thisss ....it kinda just...happened..I have thoughts that I really dont want to discuss with my boyfriend..theyre about him but like theyre...so..bad and filled with people that I shouldnt even think he'd ever do anything with that like..I feel like..I dont know how to explain it...I just dont think hed like it very much. I dont really know what else to say about my thoughts besides the fact that they fucking suck and I wish I didnt have them anymore...My relationship would be so much easier.

My Relationship..

        I dont have any problems with Shane..Just people..Like I have a "friend" actually no I have 2 "friends" who I see daily and they are always texting me telling me that I dont need Shane and that I should leave him and date them...The one boy..His name is Brandon..I was really close friends with him last year and Id always help him throuh his problems but out of nowhere he started telling people he fucked me in the bathroom and a whole bunch of other shit that never fucking happened and people started treating me different...but he wants to act like he never said any of it so hes always telling me his misses me and that he loves me and that all he wants is for me to be his...He wont stop buying me shit that I dont even want..hoping that ill  be like "Of course ill leave Shane for you'" tooooo baddd thatll never happen...He needs a hose for his thristy ass...or the fucking ocean,..But anyways my other friend...his name is Tj..now hes like a really great friend and hes always there for me when I need help but he doesnt like Shane..he wont tell me why..but he doesnt so he'll always tell me to forget Shane and stuff..it makes me mad and shit but im just learning to ignore it because I know neither of them are going to stop. Then there are ignorant people on instagram but I wont even start on them like...the DMs that I get...People just..they need to die..soon. Other than thaaaat my relationship is fucking purrfect and I could never ask for anyone better.

        I dont really know if I have anything else left to talk about... this is pretty much just recent stuff I needed to get out...probably not the best Idea to go into the past...soooo Yeah...Im done and I honestly feel a lot better.