The Heart Mender

Chapter 9 Justin's POV: Mark My Words

My first performance for the Purpose Tour was about to start.
You could feel the electricity in the air.
My family and friends were all here.
I could see the excitement on everyone's faces.
Everyone kept coming up to me, giving me words of encouragement.
My Mom never drifted to far from my view.
She kept pulling me in for her famous bear hugs.
Not gonna lie, I had a great mama. Her words of encouragement meant more to me than she would ever know.
"Justin, you have been through so much and at one point...I thought we were gonna lose you. I prayed daily for God to lift you up and keep you safe. I tried to save you myself, but I kept failing.  I had to put my faith in God to protect you. And somehow he did. Your standing here,about to show the world who you really are. And I'm so proud of you son. I love you baby boy."
Her words brought tears to my eyes. All I've ever wanted was to make her proud. She saw me as something more than I was. And I sooo wanted to be that man for her. I did,but I knew I wasn't.
My father Jeremy and my little brother and sister, Jax and Jazzy were also here.
I could see how hyped and proud my dad was. Our relationship was hard to explain.
I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me. But I also felt disconnected from a true connection to him. I wanted to have a real father and son relationship with him.
No matter how hard I tried, it just always felt off somehow.
As for Jax and Jazzy....those two were my heart. I knew what a true and pure love was,because of them.
They just loved me for me.
I spent some time with them earlier before the show playing tag throughout the arena.
Little things like that kept me hopeful.
Scooter and Allison were like my second family.
Allison was making sure I ate something earlier. She basically resorted to force feeding me protein and fruit and throwing away every damn bag of hot cheetos I had stashed. Even now she was following me around with water.
"Justin, you need to hydrate. You've got to be on your game tonight.  Just take another sip. Stop walking away from me!"
The woman was trying to fluid overload me!
If she had her way, I'd be taking a piss break before my first set was over.
And Scoots my manager was the ultimate mother hen.
He was a second dad to me, he never let me get away with too much. I would always test his limits.  Tonight though he seemed extra frantic. His pacing and constant rechecking of the performance rundown was irritating as fuck. I knew he just wanted everything to be perfect. I knew he wanted the world to believe in me again.
They all did.
The problem was, I didn't.
40 minutes before I was set to take the stage, I asked everyone to leave my dressing room.  I needed a minute to focus.
To get my shit together.
As I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, trying to hype myself up...
I thought about the one person who wasn't there.
Twinkles
My own fault.
I stared at my reflection.
My hair was long on top and slicked back. Tight on the sides and bleach blonde.
(Hales had helped come up with that look one night when we were trying out new hairstyle ideas.)
Some of the strands weren't quite long enough and kept falling in my eyes.
I looked at my outfit.
We were finally going for comfort.
I had on a white tee, a cut off flannel tank,a cream colored trench coat,and ripped jeans.
And some white vans.
I looked fresh and ready.
My brown eyes were clear.
It was all a fucking facade.
My anxiety and depression were in full motion.
All these people around supporting me and rooting for me, and I was standing here looking at myself have a panic attack.
My knuckles were gripped so tight on the chair in front of me,they were turning white.
I thought about just running.
Sneaking out and never looking back.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't let all of my Beliebers down.
They believed in me too.
Why couldn't anyone see the real me?
I was worthless.
I knew what I did next was wrong, but in that moment I couldn't see any other way.
I popped some xanax, hoping it would calm my fucking nerves.
But then I freaked out thinking it might make me drowsy.
So I searched and found my secret stache of coke. I needed an upper to keep me going through the show.
As I sniffed the white powder through a straw, I knew I was a lost cause.
Who fucking mixes uppers and downers right before their first comeback concert?
Fucking Justin Bieber, that's who.
At least I knew my body could handle it, I've done and mixed more drugs than this and lived another day.
I just wished I wasn't so weak.
If Hailey was here, she would've slapped me straight. She was like a compass to me, always guiding me to better choices. Without her by my side, I was a lost cause.
Once the drugs were taking effect, I felt ready to give everyone the show they came to see.
I wouldn't disappoint.
I was actually feeling amazing by the time the glass box started lifting me up in the sky.
Seeing all of my Beliebers as I was rising in the air made my heart pump triple time.
I was ready.
Mark My Words came out of me like fire.
I could feel my anxiety slowly dissipating.
As the glass box was starting to descend, I took the time to look at all the people in the pit. My eyes were instantly drawn to one set of hazel eyes.
My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
She came.
She didn't give up on me.
I never felt so alive as I did in that moment.