The Heart Mender

Chapter 16: Take Me Home

Justin's POV:
You know when you're in a weird ass dream, where nothing makes sense?
Yeah, well apparently that's where I've been stuck.
I know it can't be real.
But for some reason, my body won't wake up.
I just know that I have to figure out how to get out of this dream state I'm in.
I can see myself on stage.
See that I can't breathe.
I'm annoyed with myself to be honest.
Why don't I just sit the fuck down?
Then I watch myself black out and hit the stage hard.
Damn, that's gotta hurt.
I look away as my body starts to convulse.
Instead I look at the faces of the crowd.
And I feel nauseated from the panic that is emanating of off them.
I'm afraid to look at myself.
I can hear people screaming.
"He's not breathing."
This can't be right.
I'm floating over the whole scene.
And as my body down on the stage takes it's last breath....
My floating body starts to lose air.
I start scratching at my throat...
Trying to breathe.
It's like having a boa constrictor wrapped around your neck.
No matter how hard you try to get air,
You fucking can't.
"He doesn't have a pulse."
It was like setting a balloon free into the sky.
Those words.
Whatever was keeping me here, simply unravelled.
I had no control over my floating body.
I watched sadly as I drifted away.
I took one last look at my dying body.
One last look at everyone surrounding me.
I felt sad for them.
Sad that they had to watch me die.
I floated through the top dome of the arena.
Into the night sky.
Past the stars and clouds.
Until I was surrounded by brilliant white,warm lights.
I couldn't see anything in the light.
But I could feel this all encompassing love surround me.
It was wordless to describe.
I knew God was there.
He spoke to me without words.
"My son, how I've loved you.
Before I gave you to your mother's womb.
I knew you.
You were created to be a witness of my unconditional love.
You will change the lives of many.
And I will welcome you once again.
In time."
I didn't want to go back.
I wanted to stay with Him.
Everything felt so safe.
But as I began to beg to stay,
My body was already free falling.
So fast.
Nothing around me was visible.
Just the feel of the wind as I spiraled out of the heavens.
I never landed though.
I just opened my eyes and I was in a great hall.
The kind of hall you imagine in a great castle.
It was long.
I couldn't see the end of it, either way I looked.
It was dimly lit.
There were hanging lamps every 20 feet or so.
But the light from the lamps was weak, and they casted shadows on the marble floor.
The hall was narrow.
Leaving only enough room for me to extend my hands to the wooden paneling covering the walls.
There were no windows.
And it was eerily quiet.
I walked and walked.
But the hall never ended.
I turned around,
And it seemed like I was back to where I started.
I ran full force towards the opposite end.
Nothing.
Still back to where I started from.
I was out of breath.
And my panic and anxiety were starting to overtake my senses.
"Just relax stupid.
This has to be a dream.
There has to be a logical explanation for all of it."
As soon as I started to relax,
Doors started to appear.
I knew I had to open one.
But I was hesitant.
Not knowing what was behind the first door had me trembling.
I slowly turned the knob and saw her.
My mother.
She was sobbing uncontrollably.
She was leaned forward in a rocking chair, with her hands wrapped around her.
Just rocking herself back and forth.
Sobbing.
"Mom! Mom! Mom!
I'm hear! Look at me,Mom!
It's Justin!
Mama please!
Please stop crying Mama!
Please!
Your breaking my heart!"
But no matter what I tried, or how hard I pleaded with her.
She just kept sobbing and rocking.
I was pulling at my hair.
So distraught at her pain.
I didn't want to leave her.
But I knew I had too.
I had to find the right door.
So I left my mother.
I left her sobbing.
And walked out.
The door closed on it's own.
I tried to open it again, but it was locked.
I went to the next door.
I knew it had to be done.
That I had to open it.
"God, give me courage."
I took a deep breath and opened it.
I was instantly relieved.
I was back at my Grandparents home in Stratford.
I could hear laughter coming from upstairs.
Getting closer.
I was standing in front of my old room, when I saw her.
My Mom.
She was laughing as she was coming down the stairs.
She walked right through me, and into my old room.
I turned to watch her.
I saw her leaning over someone.
They were giggling.
She was tickling someone.
I stepped into the room, and saw myself.
My 6 year old self.
Laughing and playing with Mom.
It was so good to see her happy.
"Justin, I knew I'd find you.
Silly little bear.
You can't play hide and seek, and hide in your own bed!
I could hear you giggling from upstairs!"
My 6 year old self thought the whole situation was funny.
Little Justin had the biggest smile in the world.
His life was carefree.
I stayed with them for some time.
Watched as they joined my grandparents upstairs.
I watched as my Grandpa doted on little me.
How he took the time to do a puzzle with little Justin.
I missed him sooo much in that moment.
I knew that I was only an onlooker here.
As much as I wanted to stay, I didn't belong.
So I walked out the door,looking back with a wistful smile for the past.
It took some time before I chose the next door.
A door I wasn't prepared to open.
It was Selena.
She was sitting on a swing in the middle of an open field.
As I walked through the door, she looked up at me.
"There you are!
I've been waiting here forever for you!"
Her smile was so bright and beautiful.
Could she actually see me?
I pointed to myself.
And she nodded and smiled brighter.
"Of course I can see you, Justin!
Now come and push me on this swing!"
I slowly walked over to her.
I placed my hands on her shoulders.
They felt real.
She felt sooo real.
I pushed her back and forth and watched as she enjoyed the moment.
She would look back at me, to make sure I was still there.
It felt nice.
It felt like something I remembered.
We stayed in that moment for hours.
Her happy and swinging.
Me, enjoying her happiness.
When she got off of the swing, she seemed to instantly become sad.
I too could feel it.
"Selena, don't be sad. Here get back on the swing. I'll push you. It will make you feel better."
She looked at me with sad,knowing eyes.
I didn't want to hear what came next.
"I can't get back on the swing, Justin.
I'm tired of falling off.
It makes me sad.
And it makes you sad.
I want to stay happy.
I want you to be happy too."
I felt her pain, because I too had the same pain.
"I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy, Sel.
I'm sorry you had to keep falling."
She looked at me with kind eyes.
Eyes of forgiveness.
"I'll never regret loving you.
But your not mine to love anymore.
You have to find the one you love.
Don't be afraid.
I'll always remember the swing of our first love.
But I need to move on.
So do you."
She kissed my cheek.
I knew she was right.
I did love another.
I had to find her.
I gave Selena a great big hug.
I thanked her for being my first love.
And then I walked through the door.
I felt like the closing of that door, was like a closing to our chapter.
It felt ok.
Peaceful.
I wasn't ready to open another door yet.
I was trying to remember who I loved.
Everytime I got close to remembering, it slipped away.
I could hear my father behind an approaching door.
He was singing loudly.
And terribly.
He never was someone who could carry a tune.
I opened the door and saw him singing karaoke with Jazzy and Jaxon.
They were having fun.
I wanted to join them, but I knew it wasn't the right door.
I closed it.
Another door opened to a huge gathering of my Beliebers.
They were all singing "Be Alright" and looking directly at me.
I stood there, listening to them.
It gave me hope.
That I could find my way out of this.
I mouthed, Thank You to them as the door closed.
I continued to walk past doors.
Trying to remember my love.
That's when I heard it.
The melody.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Then I heard her voice.
"Ogre, it's me Twinkles.
I wish I was there with you...."
I could see her face in my mind.
Her big cheese smile.
Her soft eyes.
Her blonde hair falling around her face.
Twinkles.
That's who I loved.
That's who I needed to find.
I opened every door, but every room was black.
This couldn't be right.
Why couldn't I find her.
I sat in the hall for a while.
Confused.
Wanting to get to where Hailey was.
I was afraid of the darkness behind all of those doors.
What if I walked through, and was consumed by it?
By the darkness?
My inner voice or maybe God, spoke to me.
"Don't be afraid to walk through the darkness.
The light will always find you."
So I got up.
And opened the last door on my left.
Pitch black.
I stepped in and could hear the door close behind me.
It was still black.
I could sense that I was laying down.
I couldn't move my body at all.
And it was exhausting to breathe.
Each breath was painful.
My head was throbbing.
My throat felt raw.
But I felt someone touch my hand.
It instantly soothed the discomfort.
I could slowly hear her.
She was calling me stubborn.
Saying I'd wake up when I was good and ready.
Little did she know, I've been trying to wake up for forever.
That I needed her to help me.
It took me a while, but the darkness slowly started to lessen.
The more she talked to me, the easier it was to find the light.
I could feel my eyes starting to flutter.
And then they slowly opened.
The light was intense.
Not as soft as heavenly light.
But then I saw her.
She was looking at me.
Tears were in her eyes.
The happy kind.
I felt more insanely happy in that moment than any other time of my life.
I forgot about the pain.
I just kept my eyes wide open on her.
"Twinkles, I found you."

A/N: I hope you liked Justin's internal battle back to life.
Back to Twinkles.
Song of Inspiration is Home by Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors,
and BeBe Rexha.
Like always, I appreciate your comments and likes ❤