Beautiful Disaster

chapter five; unhealthy thoughts

"hey I heard what happened, is everything okay, are you alright?" frank slid around the corner and through the doorframe into my hospital room

"I'm fine, frank." I smiled

"are you sure? are they giving you enough water? how about some cold medicine?" he frantically asked

"frank, breathe." Gerard laughed

he took a deep breath in, "sorry. how are you?" he grabbed my hand

"I'm fine, honestly." I laughed

he smiled, "feeling better?"

I nodded, "yes."

"I'm gonna get some coffee. you kids have fun." gerard yawned then walked out of the room

I started to get nervous and I made the mistake of looking at my wrist

"holy shit what happen.. no." he frowned

I pulled my arm away and shuffled around, "I think I'm gonna go to sleep. I'm tired. thanks for coming frank, if you're not here when I wake up I love you."

he sighed, "I love you, too. get some sleep."

Gerard's POV;

I was standing at the small coffee machine in a cubby at the end of the hallway of the hospital stirring my coffee slowly, just thinking.

frank walked out of Beatrix's room and towards me

"she asleep?" I ask taking a sip of my Luke-warm coffee

"yeah." frank sighed "I um.. I saw her wrist."

"yeah." I put my coffee down, suddenly getting sick to my stomach

"how long have you known?"

"since we adopted her. we didn't want to force her into treatment. we wanted her to make that decision on her own."

"has she?"

I nodded, "just a few minutes before you slid in the door."

he smiled and half chuckled, "good."

"daddy!" I heard Bandit's voice from down the hall to the right of me

I smiled and turned towards the toddler in a mad dash to jump into my arms

"hey Bandit." I kissed her head

"uncle frank!" she giggled and reached for frank

"hey sweetie." he grabbed her and put her on his hip

"frank, would you mind taking bandit to find something to snack on?" I smiled

"of course not." he smiled, "we'll be back in a few minutes."

"okay." Lindsey smiled and hugged me, "how is she?"

"she's better." I sighed, still hugging Lins, "she agreed to go into treatment."

Lindsey let out a sigh of relief, "thank god."

"I'm really proud of her for taking this step."

"me, too." she pulled away and kissed me, "is she asleep?"

I nodded, "I'm gonna go find frank and bandit."

"okay, I'll be in her room."

"okay." I gave her a quick kiss then headed down the hallway the same way frank went

Beatrix's POV;

"I love you, too. get some sleep." frank sighed and walked out of my room

I rolled on to my side and stared at the closed blinds

I shook my head and slowly got out of the bed, coughing occasionally

I grabbed the pole that was holding my IV bag and rolled it over to the window and opened the blinds then shuffled back over to my bed

I laid down and looked out at the Los Angelis scenery.

maybe treatment would be a good idea.

a sudden chill swept over me and I cuddled with my covers as I coughed

the hospital only gave me two covers, which isn't enough when I'm cold and is too many when I'm hot

I sat up and grabbed a tissue then blew my nose, tossing the tissue into the trashcan next to me

'missed.' I thought to myself, 'figures.'

my body temperature suddenly rose and I started sweating

"ugh" I said out loud then threw the covers off of me half Way and let them rest on my hips

'come on, Jess. you can do this. request Timberline Knolls. they treat their patents really well.' I thought to myself and let out a sigh, 'I'm gonna miss Anthony.'

oh god, Anthony.

'what if I can't recover. what if I'm unrecoverable? I'll let everyone down. Gerard especially. he recovered, I should be able to, as well.' thoughts bounced around in my head

it's just so damn hard when you're used to it.

'maybe you should end it all. you're on the fifth floor, a fall could probably kill you from here.'

I nodded and started to get out of bed

"oh no, sweetie you need to stay in bed." Lindsey walked in and sat her coat and purse in a chair by the door

"mom." I smiled, "hi"

"hi honey." she smiled and helped me back in bed, "you cold?"

"nah, I'm alright for right now." I shuffled back into my laying down position

"okay." she grabbed my left hand with hers and gently moved the hair away from my face with her right

"I'm glad you came." I smiled

should I tell her?

"of course I'd come." she smiled, "you're my daughter and I love you."

"I love you, too. um, but no I meant right at that moment.."

shit.

"really whys that?"

you've made your bed, might as well lay in it.

"um. I was kinda gonna." I sighed

"it's a family reunion!" gerard walked in smiling with Bandit on his hip and frank right behind him

"hey." she turned around and smiled then turned back to me, "you were gonna what, babe?"

"hmm? oh. I was gonna um." think fast, you're losing them. "call for a nurse."

"oh, well you can do that with this little remote thing." she held up the remote thing that called the nurse and adjusted the bed

"right." I smiled and shook my head, "no I knew that. I'm just tired."

she smiled, "get some rest honey." she kissed my forehead "I love you."

"I love you, too." I smiled

"I love you." Gerard hugged me

"Gerard, you'll get sick." I laughed

"some people are worth getting sick for." he smiled

I smiled back then turned on to my side and Lindsey tucked me in loosely

last thing I remember is overthinking about how not to overthink treatment before dozing off