Through Demon Eyes

Ends and Means Part 2

Destroying with the truth, not that long ago Dean was doing the same thing to the woman in the dive bar. Exposing all the hidden lies, the shame, the guilt. Now Sam was giving him the same treatment. No matter how he twisted the past in his mind, the justifications he had made over and over rang hollow in the face of the stark reality that Sam was throwing at him. Dean was nothing if not stubborn however, “Why are you in such a hurry to die? You keep bringing that up.”

Sam sighed, ran his hand over his face and stared out the cave entrance towards the distant plains, “I don't want to die Dean. I'm just not scared of it, I made my peace with Death a long time ago, literally. I just want my death to mean something. When I stopped the Apocalypse I had accepted that I would be tortured for eternity, it was a just punishment for letting Lucifer free. When I was doing the Trials, which I shouldn't have stopped, my death would have meant defeating Hell. Although now that we know what's happening to spirits who can't enter into Heaven right now that would have probably made things worse, but at the time, my sacrifice, it meant something. That I had done something with my life. So many hunters have died for nothing. I don't want that death and I don't want a life that ends with being alone, dealing with cranky hunters and regretting everything I have ever done. Wondering what it's all been for. What do you want Dean? Late at night when you jerk awake out of another nightmare, what is it that helps you get back to sleep? Have you ever really thought about it? Do you even know anymore?”

Dean found he had no answer. It used to be carrying on their Dad's legacy, then it was saving people. He used to enjoy it, when it was simple, black and white. Monsters were monsters and people were people. It was that easy. But now? Now that he knew the reality of Heaven and Hell, how both sides were just as twisted and selfish. When he found himself trusting Crowley almost as much as Cas in some weird way, nothing made sense. The last few years he'd just been going through the motions, hating himself more and more, the never ending trail of bodies weighing him down. He couldn't stop, because to stop meant he had to think and when he did that he would reach for the nearest bottle and try to forget. The only thing that had remained constant was that he had to save Sam, keep the one person that was left in his life from dying. Had he even done that? He looked at Sam, finally looked at him without putting his own needs above everything else. What was left of Sam now? He remembered the determination and strength Sam had when he made the choice to let Lucifer in and risk it all to try to stop the world from ending. How he had fought through the pain of the trials, not complaining, not once stopping and the one thing he had confessed was that he'd done nothing but let Dean down. Now all that was left of Sam was exhaustion and guilt.

Even after telling Sam that was never the case, that he was proud of him Dean had done the one thing that could truly destroy the bonds between them. It wasn't the lie that Sam couldn't forgive, it was the reason for the lie and what it had meant. When he had tricked Sam into letting Gadreel in, they both knew that Dean's need to keep Sam alive was more important than anything else, more important than respecting the sanctity of Sam's mind and soul. That was what Sam would never be able to forgive. All of Sam's choices had always been aimed at trying to solve a larger issue and never directly affected Dean. Ruby had been about trying to kill Lillith. The times he left to go to school, or acknowledge that he was out of control and was no longer safe to hunt, they were aimed at keeping others safe or with an end goal in mind. What Dean had done, that was all about him. There was no larger crisis to solve, no actual reason other than his pain. Sam could forgive the first time it happened, but not this one. As much as it had hurt him when Sam had said if roles were reversed that he wouldn't have saved him, Dean knew that was the right choice. Sam hadn't lost sight of what it meant to be a hunter but he had. Now Sam was looking back at him with black eyes, the last thing he had ever wanted to see. He hadn't saved him at all and it was far past time he admitted it.

“You're right, I don't know anymore. Sam, what I did with Gadreel, it was wrong. I'm sorry. I never should have gone that far. I...,” It was so hard to say it. “I should have let you go.” He didn't care about stopping the tears that started to run down his cheeks. He had destroyed his family, the most important thing in the world to him and he had been too weak, too scared, too selfish to make the right choice.

Sam moved closer to his brother, wrapped an arm around Dean's shoulders and pulled him close. “Thank you.”

Those two words opened the floodgates inside of Dean and he hung onto Sam as hard as he could. All the things he had refused to show, to accept, to let out over the years all came out at once. Dad's death, Bobby, Jo, Ellen, all of Sam's deaths, how he had longed for a normal life, Lisa, Ben, all of it. Once the tears started he couldn't stop them, his throat burned from sobbing, his stomach was filled with rocks and through it all Sam just held him tight.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that, but the tears finally stopped flowing, the sobbing subsided and it felt like he had been freed from an incalculable weight. A weight he never realized he was carrying. He pulled away from Sam and looked at him. “Not very Knight of Hell-ish was that?”

Sam chuckled, “No worse than the King of Hell saying all he needed was to be loved. I don't think it will hurt your reputation that much. So? What are we doing?”

There was only right choice, they both knew it. “The Blade, it won't let me do it on my own. It will fight even if I don't."  Dean said.

Sam pulled him close again, “I'll help. Are you sure? 

Dean nodded and tightened his grip on Sam, “Hunt things.”

“Save people,” Sam replied.

They paused once more, looked at each other one last time, two sets of black eyes locked, they both smiled and spoke at the same time. “Family business.” 

A coyote howled with grief in the distance and the cave disappeared.

(One more chapter coming, keep that Kleenex close.)