I first started having suspicions i had BPD (borderline personality disorder) a few months ago. i always knew something was wrong with me but i never knew what. i regularly had these "episodes" where i'm not in control, my mind feels like it's going at 100 miles an hour. the main thing that goes on inside my head that makes me have these suspicions is my unstable personality. Yes, i may be a teenager but these weren't just phases. this was much deeper and complex. I'd feel like a badass for a few months and rebel against anyone and everyone, all the rules, the lot. I'd have an episode (usually triggered by seeing someone i think is really awesome, like a million times better than me) and i'll want to b more like them. I'd constantly change from one thing to another, each "phase" lasting a few months to a year and its exhausting. It isn't simply a case of me wanting to be like other people, it's a case of me not knowing who I am, a case of me trying to find myself, a case of me not being able to control when i'd have another episode.
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This is another way to describe what goes on in my head. The inner circle (the sturdy, unwobbly one) represents things about me that never change. This circle is a small fraction of my personality, and it remains consistent no matter who i become or how bad my episode is. Things about me that never change include music artists, favourite foods, favourite shows, books i enjoy, and a few more. The outer (wobbly, unstable) circle represents the majority of my personality, my soul. It's the things about me that constantly change, including... clothes i wear, my hairstyle, my makeup style, whether i'm introverted or extroverted, my level of fitness, etc. This can't seem to remain no matter how hard i try. Once an episode begins i try so hard to not let it consume me but it does.
I feel almost as if these changes are to fit an "aesthetic" i'm constantly trying to fit in and be someone i'm probably not. The thing is, i don't know who i am. I often wondered if me constantly changing IS part of who i am, but it just doesn't feel right. I don't see anyone else struggling and changing as mch as this. My friends and family all seem to know what they want and how to act and who to be. I'm different, and i hate it.
I've been a kinda punky, idgaf bleh kinda person for a few months. I'm due an episode at some point, in fact i felt one coming on and managed to distract myself by writing this. That's the first time i've been able to control it. I'm afraid that if i finish writing this itll come back... i've been feeling terrible all day, almost as if it's leading up to something.
I'm also not saying for DEFINITE i have BPD. I'm seeing a doctor in a month and i'll mention this then. I'm aware of how serious and life changing this mental illness is. I'd never want to exploit it or romanticise it at all. I've done my research, and the only reason i mention it is because i do have all the symptoms, and i KNOW something isn't right. I think i do have BPD. I just want to get help.
