My mental health diary

2.

⚠️Trigger warning: Mentions sexual assault.

It was september. A new school year. I felt threatened enough as it was with him in my class, but it was a new term and i'd been moved, meaning the only time i had to see him was when i was walking through the halls. My friend, who i'll call Evie (fake name) had confided in me about her sexual assault. She'd been through a similar thing, and so, confidently, i told her about mine. I told her not to tell a soul, and i thought she'd stick by that, knowing how it feels first hand. She kept pulling me aside at lunch telling me that i need to tell someone, that keeping it bottled up is going to hurt me more. But i refused. I didn't want to be seen as a victim, to be seen as weak.

One week later, theres a knock at the door in class. It's the school counsellor, and she told me i needed to come with her. I thought i'd gotten into trouble, and i thought she was taking me to the head teacher's office but when she took me into hers, i knew something was amiss. When we were walking down, i saw Evie talking to her class teacher outside of the lesson. I asked the consellor if i was in trouble and ahe said no, she just needed a chat with me. Evie had the lesson with Joseph in it and she looked very upset when she was standing outside. It was then that i realised what she'd done.

As we were entering Miss' office i asked her "is this about what Evie told you?" and she nodded. She sat me down and i broke down in tears almost instantly. She asked me what happened and i told her everything. She said she needed to call my mum and tell her what's been brought to her attention. After 6 months, my silence was broken. My mum gets told to come to the school and we get sat down in a little conference room. The counsellor tells her what happened to me as i'm crying uncontrollably next to her. I'll never forget the look on my Mum's face. It was like watching the life leave her right there and then. She had tears in her eyes and it was heartbreaking to watch. The counsellor left the room to give us some time and my Mum just hugged me and witha croaky voice said "that was 6 months ago, you kept it a secret all that time."

We went home, and my friends were messaging me. I was at the lowest point i've ever been. It felt worse watching my Mum break like that than it was actually being assaulted. I knew i had to tell my best friends the truth. So when i got in, my mum rang the police and i messaged my friends in a groupchat, telling them everything. I got a call from my best friend at the time who we'll call Lisa, and she ran straight to my house. I was sobbing on the phone and she said she'd never seen me like that. My other friend, who we'll call Kristen, was crying as well. It was so heartbreaking seeing my loved ones reacting like this.

When Lisa got to my house i told her everything, including what Evie had done. She got really angry at Evie and called her. Evie explained that she did everything in my best interest and she said she couldn't watch me suffering in silence. I didn't hate Evie for what she did, and Lisa didn't either. We all had a heart to heart, and i forgave Evie. She said to me "i know it hurts now, but you'll thank me one day."

To this day, i'm 15 years old. It's currently may, 2019. I still go to school with him. I still see him in the halls. He looks at me sometimes, we make eye contact. I have panic attacks every so often because i feel so threatened by him. But I feel like i've grown from this. I won't say i'm stronger, but after my story got told, my friend Kristen confessed to her own assault. I'm just glad that my experience can make someone else feel less weak, less alone.

I'm still not sure if i'm thankful for what Evie did. But if it weren't for her it'd still be a secret.