My mental health diary

3.

I first did it when i was about ten. I felt really really sad one day. And i remember i used the sharp part of a hair clip i had. Some of the metal was jagged and i cut my wrist because i'd heard and seen that it was a coping mechanism for some people. I didn't feel as though it helped, and i didn't do it again.

Until 4 years later. I'm 14 now, and it's september, and its 6 months since my sexual assault. I'd just been exposed about what happened to me and i was at the lowest point i've ever been. I felt so trapped, like there was no escape at all.

Online, i came across a community of people who found refuge and a feeling of, almost relaxation in self harm. I saw some of the things people were dealing with and i strongly related to the way people were feeling. I'd never leave my bed, i'd never want to go out and so the thought of having a way to cope for once seemed like a miracle.

I decided i'd give it a try. I didn't want to use a blade right away, at first i used a fineliner pen that'd run out. Sure, that sounds silly and almost hilarious. But sure enough it was a VERY thin point and it genuinely did the job. I started on my thighs because it was rare anyone saw that area on my body. It would be easier to hide it that way. To be fair i felt ashamed and weak. I didn't want to tell anyone, i felt like i was a burden to everyone. I could deal with my problems now. I had my own help, even if it was hurting me.

After a couple months of the regular fineline point, i felt like it just wasnt enough anymore. My mental health deteriorated, and i was at absolute rock bottem. The pain from the point was no longer a good enough distraction from the pain in my mind. And so one day, after upsetting someone, i felt like such a bad person. I didnt deserve to use just a point anymore. So that's the first time i decided to switch over.

I opened a sharpener and took out the blade. It was so much better than the usual fineline point. I felt so much more relieved. It was the only escape for me at that point.

3/4 months later, and I've briefly opened up to my friend about it and i wish i hadn't. She sees me as weak now, and to be honest i'm going insane. Everytime i get a scratch on my arm, or everytime i fall and cut my finger she treats me like this broken, wounded animal. She's constantly pointing out my cuts and theyre never me actually doing them. She comes up to me and pulls me aside and goes "what's that" and then i can't be bothered to explain how i got it. I'll tell her "don't remember" and she pulls this face. I can't explain it. She looks at me like some sort of psychotic freak who can't control it. I'm not seriously going to do it in plain sight. That would be so emotionally draining. It would make me feel so ashamed, so weak. I really, honestly cant even imagine. Thighs. Always thighs. Out of sight out of mind, you know?

9 months after my first fineliner episode and it's modern day. I'm in a much better place mentally. I feel 10x less alone but sure enough i'm still in pain. I was frequently cutting, almost every day a month ago. Now i'm able to bear a few weeks until i can't resist. GOD how hard i try. My mum knows, my nana too. I promised id never do it again and i'm HOPEFULLY getting help. It's ridiculous how little my mum understands. She thinks it's a choice for me. I can't not do it, i HAVE to. It feels like the only way at times.

Edit: Currently, it's been 2 months since i last cut. I'm at the best place i've ever been in my life surrounded by people who love me. I couldn't be more proud of myself for fighting it. I'm never going back there, and i feel as though i can say that with confidence now.