My mental health diary

1.

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: This comes as no surprise but i mention sexual assault.

Just over a year ago i was sexually assaulted. It left me traumatised and weak for a long time, and i'm sure i will never fully recover. I write this in the hope that someone, even if it's just one person, can relate. Someone can not feel alone, and someone knows they can reach out.

Context before it happened:

The year is 2016. I'm 12 years old. I have this crush on a boy who we'll call Joshua. (Changed name) So I had a crush on joshua in year 8. I was convinced i was in love with him. He was popular and funny and at the time, i thought he was the love of my life. He was a bit of a bad one, he drank, smoked but i still liked him all the same. He was always decent towards me, and i never had hope for anything between us until one year later.

It's april, 2017. I'm 13. I still like Joshua, i still LOVED him. We'd bonded over sitting next to eachother in maths and it was great. He asked me if i wanted to go out with him and two other friends. I was ecstatic, wnd said yes. It was amazing and i had never been happier, plus i really liked the people he was going with (who were a couple.) They weren't like his friends, they were really decent people and so i felt safe with him. Long story short, the two people we were with when we went out went somewhere so it was me and him. We had an amazing day, we talked about everything we climbed trees, went to the forest, the stream, it was perfect. At the end of the day he said he'd see me on monday at school, and we parted ways. Nothing happened between us, no kiss, no hand holding or anything, but i didn't mind. I'd spent the day with him, and i was ecstatic.

On monday at school, he talked to me ans messaged me, and continued to do so for the rest of that week. I thought we had a chance of being together vut then the next monday came around. It was told he'd gotten into a relationship with a girl we'll call Tina (fake name) who had been messing around for a while. I was upset, but we weren't an item. I went to go talk to him and he ignored me. He didn't want to be seen with me now he had Tina. I was furious, and i decided that i hated him, and i'd never like him again.

Fast forward a year and he and Tina were done, and had been for months. I'm 13 now and i has another crush on him. Even after he treated me like that i still liked him, and i swore i wouldnt give up on him. It's april, almost one year after we went out together, and he's asked me out, again. I was ecstatic, all over again. I'd almost cried of happiness. He was even more if a delinquent now. He did weed, drank, smoked, vandalised, but again, i didn't care. This time, it was just me and him, and he suggested on the phone that we got some alcohol. I didn't really want to but i said yes just to impress him.
I went to bed, and the day came sure enough.

The assault:

12th april, 2018. We got two bottles of beer and went to the beach. It was clear something was gonna happen between us. All i wanted was a kiss, or to make out. But he had other ideas in mind. We get to the beach and we chug the beer. We're both kind of lightweight so we got drunk pretty fast. I was absolutely shitfaced. He asked to give me a piggy back and so i agreed, but then he fell over and landed on top of me. We were making out and kissing, and i felt a hand on my butt. I said "Don't touch there!" Even though i was smiling, he continued touching me. I didn't really mind this, after all, i did have my trousers on. After that, i felt a hand under my shirt gripping at my bra strap. I don't remember much of this but he didn't manage to take it off, thankfully. I was ao drunk i didn't really care about that, i was just focused on how much i liked him. This is where it starts getting fucked up.

(graphic language)

He pulls me on top of me and pulls me down so i can't stand up. He's kissing me and i don't mind. But then he takes his hand and goes underneath my pants, then my underwear. I said "Okay stop" in a serious tone but he continued. I kept trying to stand up vut i couldn't, he was much stronger than me. He started touching my vagina, saying rude things to me and i didn't like it. "Stop it" i said again. "No stop i mean it" i kept telling him. But it was as if my words meant nothing. I tried my hardest to pull away but i was weak, and i was wobbly and unstable. After that, the rest is a blur. I'm pretty sure he didn't do much after that, and i faintly remember him telling me we needed to go get the bus. I was so drunk, i could barely stand.  I couldnt process anything in my mind. He asked me on the bus "are you okay with what happened?" and i said yes, only because i was 1. still drunk and 2. because i couldn't remember then. I remember after that when we were on the bus, he told me to call my mum and ask if i could stay over at his that night. I don't remember the phone call at all. I just remember him saying "yay we'll go back to mine." So obviously i sounded sober enough for my mum to say yes.

We got to the interchange where we got off and i had the choice. Go to his or mine. I said i didn't want to go to his house and we started walking to mine. He walked me back (still absolutely drunk)  and walked me near my house. I went to walk away and he pulled me in and started making out with me. After that i stumbled back to my house and my mum realised i was drunk. I tried acting sober but she wasnt buying it.

I went upstairs and fell asleep.

It was only the next morning when i recalled the events of that night that i felt truly sick. I realised how he manipulated me. He got the alcohol so he could manipulate me easier. What would've happened if i went to his that night? What else would he have done? I remembered how i told him to stop, i said no, multiple times. I hated him, and i was scared. I told him i didn't want to be with him, and so we stopped talking. He told Tina, who was close friends with him at the time. He told her he'd "fingered me" and "necked on with me" and she believed him.

I felt weak and depressed and embarrassed. And i kept this a secret for 6 months, until it got out.