Yes, I know it's in my head.
Yes, I have tried to tell it to leave me alone.
Yes, I know the bullying is in the past.
Yes, I know I should get over it.
Yes, I know I should be taking medication.
No, it is not just in my head.
No, it will not leave.
No, they're still within.
No, it's taken a toll that won't go away.
No, I do not want to take the medication.
I do not want to rely on something in a bottle to make me feel better.
It isn't just in my head, it's everywhere.
I'm not taking the medication only because my mother suggested against it,
She's taking that medication and doesn't want me to have to take it too.
I am making my own choices, my mother has no influence.
I've had my anxiety since I was 10,
It's not going away anytime soon.
It hurts my feelings when you say I will be bitter and alone forever,
As if I don't already know that.
I know I should be out and doing stuff,
It's not like I don't want to it's just my anxiety says otherwise.
The reason I'm always in my room is because I'm either tired from work,
Or I don't want to hear you say something that will offend me.
Your words have hurt me,
I won't tell you though,
Because my anxiety won't let me,
For fear of making you angry or something.
When I told you my mama said not to take the meds,
You said something mean about her,
But when I told you it was my choice,
You said it was whatever.
No, I will not go to the doctor.
I do not want to be on the medications.
I would rather overcome myself,
Than rely on something else.
There is a reason I drink so much tea.
It's because it relaxes me.
I do not want something I don't know in my body,
Some type of chemical formula.
Around you my anxiety flares up,
Because I could say one thing and set you off.
My dad comes up with excuses for you and your behavior,
But he shouldn't have to.
There are times I can't even order myself food,
And have one of my parents do it for me.
There are times where my order comes out wrong,
But I will say nothing because my anxiety says otherwise.
No, my hardly eating sometimes has nothing to do with my anxiety,
It has to do with my depression.
No, I can't be "Un-depressed".
No, I'm not taking that medication either.
Yes, I know AP is in the past,
Yet it's left scares that won't leave.
No, I will not be like you.
I will be me.
You don't understand,
And I don't think you ever will.
But you need to understand,
That my anxiety is here to stay,
For as long as it wants.
That I don't want to take any medications,
Not because my mama advised against it,
But because I don't want to.
That your words hurt me.
I hope that one day I will find me a guy,
Who can deal with me and my anxiety.
That I will prove you wrong about being alone and bitter forever,
That I can maybe finally be happy.
You say you're done with talking to me about my anxiety,
But whenever I explain something involving it,
You go back to saying those mean things about it,
You lie.
You are the main reason as to why I want to go home early,
You got injured and had to come back sure,
But you were gone 5 days,
And you come back worse than you were when you left.
My anxiety can't take you,
I can't talk to you,
I can't tell you that I want to leave as soon as the 2nd of July,
For fear of you yelling at me or something along those lines.
I want to fly home,
I'd rather spend 10 hours in planes and airports,
Than a week in a car with you and your cigarette smoke,
That I'm always inhaling no matter what I try.
I'm only here for my job at this point,
And while I like it,
I really just want to go home,
I miss home.
I know it will probably hurt your feelings that I want to leave so soon,
But you gotta understand my point of view,
You keep saying rude things to me,
And so much more.
I would like to go home,
And no longer have to deal with this.
I really hope that you won't be too angry at me,
For my anxiety is a mess about it.
You don't understand my anxiety,
Or me at all,
I hope you don't yell at me,
When dad gives you the call.
I know we made all these plans,
For the drive back home,
But I really don't care at this point,
Because I want to be home as soon as I can.
Explaining my anxiety,
Or really anything to you,
Just makes me not want to talk to you,
Because of how you'd react.
