A Broken Heart

chapter four:living with sickness

It is hard it has already been a week and I already feel very weak
I knew breathing is hard but now it is even harder to breathe and do the things I want to do.
Breathing was already hard for me even before I got sick.
I'm saving up but idk what for but who knows
I know he can visit me but it has been very hard because of my sickness. My sickness has always pushed people I love and more away
I have surgery in four hours they are going to do a lung transplant.
They are hoping that will get rid of the cancer and that they can work on getting rid of the rest of the tumor in my heart.
Chris has been very busy I dont know if he is actually busy or if he is just trying to avoid me
It is hard being the person who has lost nearly everything or everyone
But what if I dont make it what if I lose Chris
I don know im just hoping everything goes good and i make it and that chris will be here before i go into surgery and that he will be here waiting for me.
Time goes by...
Ugh only 1 hour left til I go into surgery,Chris isn't here I'm alone getting prepped for the surgery already.

What if they fix everything then later just comes right back,what if they can only fix my lungs and not my heart.
What if they cant fix me at all? Then what?
Time goes by....
Chris isn't here,he probably isnt coming I sent him a quick text before they are about to take to the surgery room to get ready it is only 10 minutes left til I go under and in full surgery but I guess it is already too late.

It is time for them to put me under and start the surgery

Chris pro....
I can't believe I woke up late it is only 20 minutes til Ethan goes into surgery and by the time I even get there he will already be in surgery
I've been so busy with my new job
Taking care of family and school it is just a lot
And I haven't been able to see or talk to Ethan much anymore and I feel very bad and more and ik he must feel like I left him or something like that
I get ready and I skateboard all the way there
I was right by the time I'm 5 minutes away but I know they must of started his surgery
But I know at least I have to be there when he is out and such so he knows that I came that I'm still here for him and more
I care for  him a lot but I don't want to hurt him and beyond I don't plan to but I know with me being gone and busy for a long time I probably already hurt him by not really being here for him

I get there the hospital lady had me check in and more I wait in the waiting area I really hope that Ethan is going to make it and be okay

2 hours later
He is still in surgery

3 hours later
It shouldn't be taking this long

4 hours later
What is going on please Ethan please make it

Half an hour later
Ethan's dr finally came out I rushed to him asking right away if Ethan is ok
"He lost a lot of blood we were close to losing him but we didn't"he said
"Wait did u get the tumor and such out" I ask
"Yep the whole thing he will cover and with a little bit more of chemo he should be 100 percent cancer free also he is in icu room 15 if u wanna go see him I know he has been asking about u for some time now"he says
I'm in relief I just nod and then head to go see Ethan it is so hard not to go running to go see him but that isn't allowed in hospitals
Finally I get to his room
The nurses are just now finishing up their conversation and such with Ethan
I go in there
I can tell there is some tension between him and I
"Hey sorry I woke up late and by the time I got here I were already in surgery also I heard the great news how are you feeling?"I ask
"Like Ive been in a coma and just woke up"Ethan says
Ethan's prov ..
I feel like shit rn but I can't believe he actually is here I thought I would just be alone again.
"It's ok, do u have to go home or can u stay" I ask
"I can stay if u want it's up to u"Chris says
"It's getting dark and I'm exhausted and I  know lily is still recovering so u should be with ur family and all and I know u been busy so I wouldn't blame u if u want to just go home and sleep because I would too if I were u just be with my family and rest,idk I'm still very out of it rn honesty it's up to u I'm okay with whichever I understand either way" I say I'm so out of it whatever they gave me lord....
"My parents are home they can take care of lily perfectly on their own without me and my parents have already told me to spend the night or so with u because I need a social life is what they said (Ethan laughs in a soft low way) and I know I haven't been here for u and more than I wouldve liked to Ive been so busy and honesty would live to just stay here with u and be here with u if u let me" Chris says
"Stay then"I say looking at him in the eyes
He is so amazing I really just wanna pull him on top of me and kiss him already but then I can risk losing him I don't even know if he even sees me like that it's just a lot of things.

We talk about work,school,etc
My nurse comes in and says "hey Ethan, I think it's time to go to sleep not only because u need ur rest but because there are kids sleeping next to u that are having a hard time sleeping and all because of all the noise in here mainly the tv" she says hinting to rest and if not to at least turn off the tv. She was one of my first nurses when I first got dinose so I know her pretty well and what she means and all
We both decide to go to bed so goodnight.