ghosts

j.

dearest you,

there. i never thought i'd actually do it. i finally called you on the telephone. it had been more than a year since i've lost faith in dialling your number, wondering if it would be your mother (who now doesn't like me) who picked up the phone, or your father, who still makes me feel welcome. i cannot ask for more, though. i know what i did was childish. i'm childish. i always have been. i'm pathetic and inconsequential but i miss you, and your family. to hear your voice on the other line---it was so fucking nostalgic. i once told you we were like two continents drifting slowly--but still, surely--apart, and laughed when you told me not to bring science into the conversation (it was a school subject we both did not enjoy, i remember). i once told you a lot of things. and i'm so sorry. i will always love you; i will always care for you; i will always look out for you. we've both made horrible mistakes, we've both scorned each other, we've both hurt each other, and i'm so sorry i wasn't there to comfort you when my words inflicted damage. you're like my third sister (i don't usually talk about my second one--she's gone, but you know my little one) and i feel so horrible, still, for what happened between us. i was stupid. i was in a stupid place... i was in a destructive place at that time, and i'm so fucking sorry for destroying you. things will never be the same, i know, but i fucking miss you. we've both become different people. you know, i've said it a million times, but i will never hate you. how could i hate my soul? (do you remember calling each other one soul, because i do, and it always reminds me of that thing i saw on tumblr---yeah, tumblr---about how soulmates could be friends or sisters, basically, just a strong fucking connection to another being, you.) i have also said this a million times: even though we're not close anymore and we rarely talk, whenever you are feeling like the world is against you, you can always come back to me. i've learned that talking to strangers is far better than talking to your closest friends... and it fucking hurts that we're not considered close anymore, but i will be here for you. forever. and. always. (starts singing).

you will never leave my heart, my mind, my soul. in thirty years, i will still appreciate the times i've spent with you, and i will always pray that you are happy wherever you are.