ghosts

k.

dearest you,

are you afraid to look at me knowing what you have done? are you afriad to speak to me knowing all the things you've said about me? are you afraid to comfort me knowing it was you who made me like this? are you afraid to ask me how i am, knowing the answer involves you? are you afraid to approach me, knowing you don't need me anymore, but that i still need you? (i'm hopelessly devoted---and it fucking sucks). these years have transformed us into beasts hiding in each other's minds, not daring to show ourselves to each other. we're there in each other's memories, but we do not come out for the other to think about. we are just hiding. hiding is what we do best, isn't it? but you're always stronger than me; you show up all the time. dreams are not dreams anymore, they're nightmares, because they're full of beasts.

i don't know how to fully comprehend what it is i feel for you; if they are feelings at all. maybe i've just been hanging off the edge of concepts that told me you were supposed to be essential to me. i've been breathing memories of you and i for far too fucking long. you're not essential, you never were in the first place; you can't be. you can't. you can't... as always, i've only created false realities.

but lately i feel like i do not know anything now. i say i miss you all the time... but how? how can i miss you when i feel nothing; whenever i see your face, hear your voice, taste the past, i think of absolutely nothing. nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing noth---is that what you have become? no. it's merely what i have become... i cannot fathom you anymore because i will be gone soon.

i feel sick over-thinking you.