Requiem for the boy

Chapter 19

Deeks laughed as Monty covered him with kisses and his grandpa looked on lovingly.

"Your sister thought you'd be missing him." Carl said with a smile.

"I was thanks Jen." Deeks said giving his sister a quick hug. "Thanks Jeff." He knelt down burying his head in the dog's fur. "I missed you so much." He said quietly to the dog.

Jen looked at her big brother with the dog; He seemed to be holding onto the dog like a lifeline. "Marty...? Marty, are you ok?"

Deeks looked up unable to hide the tears in his eyes, "I….I need….Dave?" he said shooting Dave a look he walked away upstairs Monty following along behind.

Dave looked over to the group who were trying to decide whether it would be a good idea to go after Deeks. "It's ok; I just need to give him his meds."

Dave followed Deeks upstairs and found him curled up on the bed hugging Monty. "I can't do it." Deeks sighed as Dave walked in, "I can't stay here…I need to go back."

"You want to go back to the center?" Dave asked he was surprised; all Deeks had talked about since being admitted was about leaving.

"No….I…" Deeks buried his head in the dog again, "Why do they do this?" he said, a small hitch in his voice let Dave know that he was crying.

"Deeks, they are your family, they love you. They want you to heal."

"But I'm broken, I'm not good enough…I mean, I cried, me an ex-detective, bawled like a baby because I missed my dog!"

Dave sat on the bed and quietly prepared his meds, as Deeks held onto Monty. "How can they trust me when I'm so weak, I'm not strong like Sam or resilient like Callen or brave like Kensi….I don't even have…M…Max…"

"Max?" Dave looked interested.

"Well, I don't…Max was, is …me kinda, another part of me a braver, stronger part…He's gone."

"And you feel that the strong part of you has gone with him?" Dave asked.

"Maybe." Deeks replied in a small voice.

"Or maybe, Max was just a part of you that you had and needed a voice to come out, maybe the braver, stronger part that was Max is now in you. Maybe you do have it in you to be brave and strong."

"I don't know." Deeks scratched absently behind Monty's ears not willing to scratch his arm and show Dave how much this conversation was freaking him out.

"What do you want …in the long run Marty, what do you want out of life."

"I want to not hurt, I want to go back to work, I want to not feel the need to use every fucking hour of every day…I…I don't know what I want."

"YES YOU DO!" Dave stood facing him and yelled at him. The doctor had known that this point was coming and had instructed Dave to confront Marty, but to be careful as he did it.

Deeks' voice carried down the hall and the others looked up, Kensi, Carl, Callen and Jen ran to the bottom of the stairs and started up as Dave's voice rose.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT MARTY?" Dave yelled.

"I WANNA BE CLEAN, I WANT TO BE WORTHY, I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME! I want her to love me." Deeks collapsed onto the bed and sobbed as Dave gave him his meds.

"You did good kid." Dave said and sat next to him as Deeks sobbed, carding his fingers through the other man's hair in a soothing fashion.

"People do love you kid, everyone is here because they love you, you rest now and later you can talk to them, you need to talk to them and they may have stuff to say to you." Dave said as Deeks sniffed and fell asleep as his meds took a hold of him.