LIVING LIKE KINGS. (Solkat)

Bleed

----------SOLLUX'S POV--------------

Maybe it's a little depressing to think that my vision of a perfect world is actually so messed up, but I think it means that I don't really understand what 'perfect' is. It just seems to me that the world's kind of a mess, and the more messy it gets, the more interested I am in escapist fare. Having a good time is something that isn't about the war in Iraq or the Asian flu or the Kyoto protocol - things that are horribly depressing to consider in our real lives. I'm eager to get away from them.

What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter - a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue.

But human beings fall easily into despair, and from the very beginning we invented stories that enabled us to place our lives in a larger setting, that revealed an underlying pattern, and gave us a sense that, against all the depressing and chaotic evidence to the contrary, life had meaning and value.

I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of someone, a waitress, being responsible for my evening. I like seconds, and more, and lots of conversation, and I've always hated the idea that in a restaurant an evening just ends. I find that incredibly downgrading.

It's nearly unbearable, my vision so cloudy and blocked out.

It's- it's hard to believe I'm actually dying.

Sure, it's a feeling of remorse.

But- a part of me kindof wants it.

I lay in my bedroom, chest pounding as I eye my uncle, who's shirt is splattered with blood. My blood?

Who knows.

My chest hurts.

I'm tired.

Maybe I should take a nap.

But I may roll over on this knife.

Maybe a little rest won't hurt...

Uncle Kenny, are you drunk again?