The Shadow of Levi

the past

The world seems to not let go of the past that haunts me. I sit here and try to forget the pain I've felt, but it comes back around.

Love is supposed to be easy, patient, kind, undeniable, or whatever you want it to be. But in my situation, it's a game of my past haunting me to the point where my love for myself and others is gone. Bradley reminds me of Levi, which is why I must feel so drawn towards of him.

In his eyes, I see those gorgeous blue eyes that I fell in love with at Olive Garden.

Those eyes that left me breathless.

Those lips that left me with butterflies.

The hands that were so soft.

The voice that sang me to the sleep.

The curly hair I felt as he slept.

These parts of him don't leave my mind. But god damn, I wish they would.

A hand was placed on my shoulder as Bradley tried to get my attention, I must've been off into space. He looked at my with concerned eyes and I gave him a reassuring smile while running my fingers through his hair.

"What're you thinking about?" Bradley asked. My brain was in a panic.

How do I tell to the boy I'm cuddling with that I was thinking about the guy I loved that died of cancer?

Bradley said my name to get my attention. "I was just thinking about dinner," I respond to him, just trying to change the subject. "That does sound pretty good," he told me, as the rain pattered against the window in the dark night sky.

We walked into the small kitchen to attempt to find a meal for the night. I opened his mostly empty to fridge and began searching. He and I both searched the pantry, fridge, and every other place that contained food. The two of us gave up and I grabbed his hand in mine as I led him out of the door to my car.

The fog drowned the air around us as we drove through the winding roads to the main part of town to eat. "Why not Olive Garden?" Bradley asked me. I felt my stomach twists into knots and the dread of explaining to him my past set in. I quickly said "I'm not really in the mood for Italian tonight," as I tried to dodge it all together. Bradley looked disappointed but, I did not care one bit to explain.

The two of us settled on a Mexican restaurant nearby and we sat at the booth, just staring at one another. Bradley and I ate, laughed, talked, and consumed way too much salsa than the average person.

After our meal, we walked out and he was shivering in the cold night. He looked at me with those big, soft eyes and I took off my coat and wrapped it around him. Bradley smiled and kissed me with his soft, cold lips. As he pulled away, I felt as if my shoulders were free, and not being pulled down by the weight of my past for a moment.

I led him into my car, and we drove back to my place. As I drove, FallingForYou by The 1975 played softly. Bradley's grip on my hand softened as he fell asleep in the passenger seat next to me.

Don't you see me I
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
And don't you need me I
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
On this night, and in this light
I think I'm falling
I'm falling for you
And maybe you, change your mind

I put my car in park in my driveway and walked to my passenger door, as Bradley laid there asleep. I picked him up in my arms and carried him inside, careful not to wake him as I unlocked and opened the door. I carried him into my bedroom and laid him on my bed as I covered him in the blankets. The sound of the trees in the wind was calming in the silent house.

I crawled into bed next to him, and he snuggled into my side. As the two of us laid there, I swore I felt a kiss on my cheek.