weird vent spam thing

oh

i feel absolutely worthless
so unbelievably sad
i wouldnt mind if patrick came into my room right now and beat me to death
honestly
i would thank him.
i feel so trapped i dont know what to do.
i feel like im lying to everyone
i told someone i was sad
and they said
"but you're talking to me how could you be sad"
and i said back
"i love you and being with you always makes me the absolute happiest."
a while ago.
its such a FUCKING lie
i hate having to pretend to be happy
im gonna keep going along with it
so everyone thinks im ok for a while
and that im doing better
so they stop worrying about me.
then i can self harm without anyone knowing.
i dont wanna relapse right now.
the scars dont leave.
im sorry.
im sorry to everyone i love
for letting u down
and seeming happy
when i genuinely have never wished death upon anyone but myself.
i feel like a liar.
im a shit girlfriend.
im a shit friend.
im a shit daughter and everything about me is SO GODDAMN WORTHLESS.
im so worthless.
i dont deserve the happiness and i dont deserve anybody i have.
fuck you, ally. you're the worst. literally, kill yourself.