Stuff to think about

Untitled Part 23

I've been avoiding writing more about my last chapter, but I'll do it anyway. I'm not too sure what I'm going to write on the topic, but I guess I'll just go with the flow like I usually do. 

I've considered deleting the chapter and even this whole "book". The chapter wasn't necessary at all, I guess I was just desperate to get it out without ruining my life. The guilt has been terrible, so much so that I was afraid to go to sleep because of the countless nightmares I was getting. I felt as if I had killed someone, feeling a pit in my stomach for the next day or two. I thought maybe the universe would punish me, maybe something terrible would happen in my family, or my pets would die in front of my eyes. I felt maybe I had lost my mind, looking into the future and seeing myself personally manipulate and hurt people. Whenever I laughed or talked to people, I wanted to stop myself because I felt I didn't deserve to feel joy anymore. 

When I actually thought about it, I realized that it wasn't as bad as I thought, I realized that I was hurting myself more than people online. I'm not evil, nor a sociopath. I've simply made mistakes that I need to reflect on and learn from in order to move on and become a better person. 

I don't want to make this "book" all about my personal life and problems. But I thought I should update. 

Someone asked a few questions on my last chapter. 

How do you feel when you do it? After?

Sometimes I don't feel anything, but most of the time I feel stupid by the way I'm portraying "myself" or disgusted by the lifestyle my character has. I usually pretend to be apart of communities, many of which I don't agree with and have strong opinions about. Afterwards is a completely different story. I'm talking about after I exposed myself and ended the "story". I usually feel an abundance of guilt and sadness. 

Is there a need that compels you to keep doing it?

When you create a whole persona, you can do anything and say anything you want without damaging your own persona and reputation, and without damaging your own relationships. 

Do you crave interaction? Romance? 

Not necessarily. I can get interaction on my own, without the help of a catfish account. My life isn't that sad. 

Do you not find yourself physically attractive enough? 

I do have issues with my self esteem regarding my physical appearance, but that's not exactly why I do it. For me, it's not about making a new, physically attractive persona for myself, it's about what I can do and what I can say while having that mask on. The appearance is only a factor that sometimes helps in certain situations. 

Are you shy? 

I do struggle with social anxiety, but social anxiety doesn't really come up online. 

Sometimes I do it to make a point, a pretty hurtful and hard way to make a point, I don't suggest it. Or I do it out of curiosity, wondering how people can live the way they do. Of course, there's much better and easier ways to do this. 

Ok, that's all.