Hello Again

Realization

I lost count of the days I spent in bed. Time seems to pass by in slow motion, the hours are eternal. I think I already used up all my vacation days, just blame it on the flu and you are practically banned from the hospital. 

How did this affect me so much, shook me to my core? 

He was only my best friend but I loved him, enough for my heart to break. Everyone tells their story on heartbreaks, but have they really felt it? A heaviness on the shoulders that makes your arms go limp. A pressure in your chest, like your heart wants to break out and follow its own happiness. A never ending nausea, like your stomach is tied in thousands of knots. You can't breathe, it hurts to breathe. Your throat is closed up by trying to hold all the tears down. Your head hurts, constantly, like all your memories with him are just in fast forward and you are reliving every single second, questioning if you both enjoyed that moment, or only you. A feeling of emptiness of all the dreams and ideals you had with your future with him just vanish in an instant and all that remains is the pain of its existence.  You question every emotion you ever felt, every word, did it mean as much to you as it did to him? You question how long you were living in your fantasy world, how much of it was real and how much of it you saw what you wanted to see. You question what is wrong with you, am I enough? Am I worthy of love? Is this all that I deserve in life? Was that it? Was he the one and I managed to screw that up? Can I be loved? Will someone else hurt me the same way? Will I trust anyone again? Is any of this worth it? 

You are stuck in  cycle in which the pain is both physically and mentally.

Days can go by and you feel OK, but you hear that tune you guys used to sing 4 years ago, and you fall to your knees and cry. Your friend mentions how you talk when you are doing a math problem, and you flash back to high school when you'd do that in order to get his attention. When you ave to leave running out of a supermarket half way your transaction, but the speakers play your song, and it's just too much too fast to bear. You find yourself looking for him in every crowd, and when you see him, you get paralyzed. As he talks with his colleagues on the other side of the road, all you can do is hold in your tears and anxiety nausea and keep walking, because you know he is over it, but you are stuck in the past.

The saddest part, is that you know that you are the one that stills cries. You are the only one who can't listen to some songs on the radio. You know you are the only one that is heartbroken, because he is fine. He has his new life, his new group of friends, new hobbies, exploring new paths. And you know you are the one to blame for feeling like this. Because while you thought having him meant having everything, for him having you was holding him back from getting anything. People change that is true, but throughout every change, you loved him, until that very last day and even after. That's why it feels like a bucket of ice cold water thrown over you when you realized he stopped loving you long ago, or feeling anything for you. 

After that day I stared for hours at my cellphone, waiting for a text, a call, nothing. But you could see him posting pictures of how happy he was, how he was enjoying every second of his life, while you were just broken because there is no other way to explain the feeling.

I refused to tell anyone about what happened. I must admit he at least told me to my face. But everyone would want to scoop in their opinions, and I really wasn't in need of this.

During my bed-arrest days, I started texting with an old friend of ours. She went to school with us back in the day, and I found out she was still quite friends with Kyle. Though she was more of Kyle's friend, she always gave me the best advice. Her name was Gwen and she was the sweetest quietest girl in our grade. She avoided drama all she could and focused her time on playing the harp. I didn't want to tell Savannah yet of what happened and how much it affected me because I knew she would've taken the first plane back home and I couldn't let her ruin her career because of me.

Gwen helped me cheer up and made me laugh many times, but I still couldn't get out of bed.

On one of those days in bed, you find out that the secrets you two shared, are no longer between you two. All those pinky promises that conversations or adventures you shared would stay between you two were fake. Did he mean it when he said he'd keep your secrets no matter what? Or were those adventure not as big of a deal for him that they were to you. If the person you trusted more with your life told your secrets, who can you trust now? Who else knows? Will they keep sharing your secrets? Especially if the people that know never liked you.

I think it was on the sixth day in bed that I finally got up. I needed a shower and crying because of the past only makes you loose time from your present and cloud your vision of the future.

I had a the night shift and it was already 9 at night. I took a long shower, washed my hair and came out smelling like a piña colada. I put on my scrubs and let my hair dry out naturally. I applied some make up, especially concealer to hide the bags under my eyes. I was starting to feel hungry, but I wasn't on a cooking mood so i grabbed my coat, bag and keys and left to the hospital a few hours early to eat in the cafeteria. By the time I got to the hospital, my hair was pretty dry, so i braided it to make myself look like a normal person. Before arriving at the cafeteria, I decided to leave my bag in my locker on the residents on call room.

See, I have a really bad habit with doors, either I leave them unlocked or entering without knocking unless it's a patient's room. Well, I should've knocked. As I barge into the room, I see a back I'd recognize anywhere, pinning against the wall a petite woman, his soon to be wife.

I do not know why this image shocked me so much. What did I expect? For him to be sad and wishing he hadn't said all that he told me on his engagement party? No! He was happy. I should've realized long ago that his happiness didn't include me. I became a boring constant in his life which he finally got rid of. I am no longer what he wants or needs. I'm just temporary, and I got finally evicted from an over due stay with him.

I came to the realization that the faster I accept that he didn't want me anymore, that he didn't love me anymore, for a while now,  the faster I can put this behind me. 

Easier said than done...

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A/N: Hey to all of the 5 people who follow my book! <3  Finally updated it and it will probably be a long while before I update again. I lost my spark with this mini novel I started out as fun and I don't know if I'll continue it with all I had planned for it. Promise that if I decide to stop it, I'll make a quick ending. If I decide to continue, I'll be a while rethinking my inspiration.